The Year That Broke Me

 28th July, 2023:

           28th July, 2022, I flew down to Chennai to join my college, CMI Siruseri, for my Masters course in Data Science. And one month later, I was back home.

            That one month stay in Chennai resolved a lot of things: all my smaller episodes of anxiety, insecurity, low confidence, hopelessness, my acute sense of poverty, my incapability of making friends, my dumbness, my low functioning brain that things I can do wonders but couldn't even survive a semester in CMI's environment, everything surfaced at the same time in that month.

            Everything that I low-key knew was lacking in me, came forth as a big black hole during my stay at CMI.

            Technically, it wasn't "in" CMI because Data Science students aren't accommodated in their internal hostel. I was at a hostel outside the industrial area housing the college, CMI. That was the first wound I sustained. Don't get me wrong, my roommate was an angel, but she wasn't from my college. In fact, no one in my hostel was. I, who had never stayed away from home, was now staying away from home, away from college, away from college mates, away from hope, away from life.

            But I don't think that it was just staying away from home that made me weak; it was thinking that I don't deserve to stay away from home, that I don't deserve to study in the best Mathematics College in the country, that I am wasting so much of my already poor parents' money through this college that demands Rs. 2 Lakhs per semester plus my fooding and accommodation expenses that mad me feel like a dam fell on me.

            Now, where did I get these thoughts from???

            Was it just an over-thinker's thoughts? Or was it a child suffering from Complex-PTSD? That needs another blog series, not about just a year of my life but my entire life.

            Obviously, the money was the most important factor for why I quit CMI within a month. If I were allowed to fail, I would have tried. But Rs. 2 Lakhs per semester, on didn't give me the privilege to try. Second was my Complex-PTSD suffering mind. But CMI too wasn't easy on me. If abstract reasons could be arranged in ascending order, here the are:

• The teachers there don't teach. True, they just don't. CMI simply provides a platform for genii to come together, study on their own, have some discussions and be by themselves. For a classroom person like me, who is a high functioning introvert, with no background help, with PTSD and money issue dancing on the head, it was the first shock.
• The students their, were just rude for no apparent reason, nothing like I have ever faced here in my hometown. You two, I don't even know your names, from Physics Major, but thank you for being mean to me out of nowhere.
• The seniors were helpful, true, but on their own terms. Dear Abhishek Bhaiya, I really wished you had not asked me to wait for the 'right time' when I asked you for the previous year question papers. I wanted to develop a study plan as per those.
• Friends form an important part of life and definitely for surviving away from home. I tried being friends with Nidhi but she was too self-sufficient for my lacking in everything soul and it didn't work. Then came Vaishali and Anwesha. They once left Mohit alone because they said they didn't want to be around him. And we four, were together that day. Leaving Mohit was in itself a red flag on you two's part for me, and that day and most days, you two left me alone too.
• The teachers said that we would learn more from each other than from our classes. And I found a discussion friend in Narendran. He needed help in Math, I needed in Computer. He agreed. The next day, he refused, saying, "It's too soon.". So soon that the assignments had already started pouring in. And then he stopped talking to me, not even as a friend. And then I saw him talking, discussing study related things with other girls. Dear Narendran, I wish you had told me the truth that I wasn't pretty enough to start studying sooner.
• Ascending, isn't it, huh? I saved the best for the last. RITIRUPA DI!

            First, you yourself kept calling me and pretending to be the sweetest person on Earth when you needed me to move in your apartment. And all I said, was I need time to think as I have never been to Chennai and you were a stranger. Obviously, you didn't know that I couldn't afford staying at an apartment. But you were in PG, you should have realized people can have a lot of issues going on in their lives. We can't just wake up one day and decide upon a thing. 

            Then when I came to Chennai, you up front, not only ignored me in public, but also treated me like a beggar on road. And then when I was facing problems at my hostel and your roommate told me that she was leaving, so to move in, in her place, you straight away resorted to scolding me like I was trying to break into your house??? You said that your class fellow will move in in your roommate's place, then why had you called me in the first place? 

            And I don't even wanna start on how mean your words were that day! Do you know, you drew the last blow on the coffin of my better future? Do you realize that you ended my life? That you destroyed me? And all this because I just said that I needed time to think? That too in the most polite and humble and soft way possible? We even talked that if you get new roommates, you shouldn't wait for me because I don't want to cause you any trouble! How could you not trust my intentions after all this? Because I too was stranger to you? But you had no problem asking this stranger to move in with you!

            The only conclusion that remains is that you are just a selfish person who uses and then throws people.

            Aditya, this is the girl you said is "Okay"?

            Adarsh, when I was leaving, you asked if someone has done anything. Now, you know the answer.

            Now, I know the number 1 reason I failed was that I wasn't emotionally and mentally strong. But it has been a year and I think I have only turned worse.

            But I can't conclude CMI without the good things that happened.

Sadhvika: My only roommate ever. You are the best roommate anyone can ever ask for. And thanks for                   helping me on the escalator.

Aditya: I still don't understand how you can help a stranger for placement interviews. You are the first                 senior I knew from CMI and know that I'll always have respect for you in my heart.  

Ujan: We could have been good friends if I were stronger. You are a good person, Ujan. And I know               your father is proud of you.

Sulagna: Another angel on Earth. I wish I had met you sooner in life.

Saptarshi: Though our views don't match on a number of topics, I was lucky to have you as a friend.

Nidhi: Thanks for talking with me when you saw me crying. Thanks for guiding me to study when you             saw me distressed. I was my fault that I was preoccupied with what I lack than with what life is             giving me.

Jassim: Thank you for being my study partner even if it was for just a day.

Abhishek: You are helpful, no doubt and you have this positive vibe about yourself. But saying that we                   are from two different worlds, would be an understatement.

Mohit: You are a good friend.

SLD: You came back alive.

Life, As It Is

Life has never been easy for me. Nor has it ever been impossible. It just has always been a bit too difficult. And that's the problem. I don't get things easily. Most times, I don't get those at all and like quite recently, I get those but lose as quickly as I can.

My life has always been along the edge. And I keep slipping. Barely making it to the next benchmark. I live on the peak of the most rugged mountain. Left, right, front, back; everywhere, I lose something. Staying is unbearable and going back is torturous.

There are a few flowers on the way, ever ready to spread their magical smell. But when you come near, you realize they stink and the sweet odour was just a cover-up. The vines grow and throw you off the feet; you try to get up, they push you back; herbs that were supposed to heal you, poison your wounds.

And to add chillies to an already hot soup, since the last 3rd year, I have developed this great attribute of quitting. Not many know, but I am about do it for the 8th time in a row.

What lies ahead, or rather behind now, are chartered waters; but the waters that pull you down. Every. Single. Time.

So, it goes like this. I am living on quick sand, I have to walk on burning coal and all this, only to fall into the inevitable black hole.

HINDI

         Bengalis are going extinct under the weight of Hindi(not Hindu, read properly) and no one is even caring. "You are a Bengali? Speak in Hindi."

"You completed your education in English? Speak in Hindi."

"Oh! You are an Adivasi? I am going to beat you to Hindi."

"Shhh! That's a Tamilian. Let us hide from him the fact, that Tamil is older than Sanskrit, so that he can be subdued by us."

         They say that Hindi is the identity of India. A culture, which has time and again, taught that language doesn't matter as long as your conscience is alive, is being called a Hindi-culture.

       Remember Sant Eknath of Maharashtra? Dude! Even his son, Hari Pandit, went against him for teaching the Puranas in Marathi. Even then, they judged against non-Sanskrit speakers. But what happened? Eknath turned out to be equal to a thousand brahmans.

        Today too, when most "Hindi-protectors" can't speak Sanskrit themselves, they are making Hindi (a so-called descendent of Sanskrit) their language of destruction. You may say that all these are political strategies for parties. Well, then why did I get called "Angrez" and "Anti-national" on using some English words during the casual conversation I was having?

        Hindi-speakers chide you for using "Chaddo" if you are not Punjabi. But they force Hindi upon people from other language backgrounds. They make fun of Bengali speakers. They are disgusted by the Dravidian languages. North-Eastern languages are Chinese to them. And if you don't speak in Hindi, you are not Indian. Yes, a 2-century old language is the language of a million years old civilization.

        Sorry to hurt you, dear and not dear Hindi-lovers, but you ain't doing any good job by speaking in Hindi. Bihar has already lost its linguistic identity because of Hindi being forced upon them. Bhojpuri and Maithili used to have their own scripts, but they are brushed aside as being just dialects of Hindi. They even say Rajasthani is a dialect of Hindi and that Hanuman Chalisa is in Hindi.(Apparently, even Awadhi, which is older than Hindi, is now a dialect of Hindi.) Save Bihar, Rajasthan and the rest of India from the attack of Hindi. Say no to Hindi and Save India.

Edit #1:

           Wanted to add some lines by Rabindranath Tagore on Hindi, “Whatever the national convenience of a language that can facilitate inter-cultural communication in our country, it remains a mere convenience and cannot replace the value of one’s native tongue as a vehicle of intimate self-expression.

            I have in my institution at Santiniketan provision for the teaching of Hindi as well as Urdu."

Edit #2:

Also, India is the fastest language-losing nation on earth. The UNESCO lists 197 Indian languages as endangered or vulnerable, more than any other country. According to the PLS, we have lost 50 languages in the past five decades. That means murdering of an entire Indian culture just because the people in power were from Hindi-background!

My Youtube Video on Hindi : https://bit.ly/3LNXiZT

Depression Diary!

 Beautiful Souls!

Firstly, if you are looking for a scientific analysis of depression and want tested and verified tips to cope up with it, this is not the blog you want...

But,
If you wanna read what resonates with your present feelings and wanna know how a completely drowned girl came out of the water, well, you have reached your destination...

So, let's start with how The Devil Depression begins...
It is the tension and the stress, or the work load and the sudden changes in life, or just the people, close to your heart, not realizing that you can feel too, that opens your mind's window to depression. It's their over-expectations and unrealistic demands that dial Depression's number.
Depression slowly creeps into your mind, first as frustation. Then it is the dire need of a complete break which you don't get, definitely. Then comes your declining performance and people's speculations of what's wrong with you. And then the final nail on the coffin of the peace of your mind, "It's all in your head." or like I got it, "You're doing this to gain attention."
Yeah, right! I want to suicide just to get your attention...

Soon, over a period of time, you forget that you can actually be happy. You think that you have never been good enough. You don't have a low confidence, you have a zero confidence. Your family gets irritated, your friends get bored. And then you realize that you are good for nothing and that your life is a burden on earth.
You suffocate; you wanna get out; you want people to know, understand and help you because you have tried and failed daily, for years, to come out of this quicksand called Depression.
Days, weeks, months, years; all the same.

You have a heartbeat, but you feel still. You want to get out and go to work, but you can't see why. Hopelessness was already there, now lack of purpose gets in. The stillness of your heart and mind tears your soul...
And congratulations! You have successfully achieved full depression.

Depression makes you feel worthless. But you know the best part? You are the sky. The clouds will come, but they can't stay forever. And I'll tell how mine left but in the next blog. I apologise...

Bye Sweethearts! Keep holding on. I am here for you.❤