23 May '23

Heya! How are you, dear reader? I hope you are doing fine and if not, know I'm here. 

And don't think I am just being nice for my blog. I genuinely care for every aching heart and soul out there.

So, what is the reason behind today's post? 

What happened is that I have a friend, let's call her T. She has some issues at home, real issues, I know because I have visited her house often, and earlier she used to ask me if I could arrange some money for some her needs, not the extravagant needs, but some bigger ones like her sister's college fees or her mother's medical bills when she was diagnosed with cancer. 

     I had tried to help her using the online fundraising sites, asked my contacts and sometimes, from ny own pocket, as I used to provide tuitions to kids at my house. 

     T would always return the money after a few days. So, there were no issues. And I know T is trustworthy. 

     But due to my personal problems, I gave up teaching and due to some other reasons, my parents had incurred a loan of Rs.2 lakhs on themselves. Also, I rejoined college, for my masters, so, there is another expense now 

     So, what happened today is that T again asked me to lend her some money which she would again return in a few days. But due to the above reasons, I told her that I don't have any money to lend. And that I am sorry for this.

     She replied with an "Ok" and deleted the message where she was asking for the money. 

     Now, I am confused. Maybe, if I had been in her place, I would have done the same thing. But I feel like I have offended her I feel like she is angry and I don't want to ask her if she really is. I feel like she is thinking that I am being selfish or that I am ignoring her because she is in a bad situation today.

     I want her to know that if I had money, I would give everything to her. But I don't. My savings are over and I can't ask my parents to lend some when they are already struggling with their own financial crisis. 

     All such things remind me of what a great failure I am. I am a total loser. I tried to do something and ended up, well, ended up basically ending my life. I hate it, totally hate to face myself everyday. I feel like I am a rotten being and if only, I could get rid of myself.

                           The     End     

BETRAYAL

Since a long time, during my chronic loneliness, I had remembered the pain of betrayal but not the actual stories. I knew I'm hurt and sad out of back-stabbing, betrayals and some more things but I couldn't remember what had actually happened.

This was because I had stopped making friends a long time ago because in primary school itself, I faced a lot of betrayals. So, that's how I became and went by my days; introvert, socially awkward and "friend" hater. 

But recently, having completed college, I faced this storm of loneliness. I felt like I am in outerspace without an oxygen mask. I suffered, a lot, in silence, without my family's knowing(as if they'd care), during the covid-19 lockdown and week before I decided that enough is enough.

I need friends. I can't continue waiting for Prince Charming(vaise bhi IITians ke bhav bahut hote hai). So, I messaged everyone, I've ever had the least communication with on facebook as well as whatsapp. Guess what? Oh! I'm overwhelmed to share. 

Only 50% of them replied back. Not surprised actually; I don't have notes to share anymore(nor am I sexy).

So, I chatted with the remaining 50% on facebook. They said that they were trying to contact me but my whatsapp was off. I shared my number with them, the same old number. And waited for their message, which hasn't come yet and I wonder if they'll ever come. So, I came down to 25% of my whatsapp friends. Oooh! The intimate ones. 

One among them had said before that I am very special to him and he could give his life for him. And after chatting for a week, I shared this family issue I'm facing and since he claims to have legal knowledge, I asked for help and advice and what I got in return is a "Hmmm"!(Oh! My favourite word.)

So, were the other friends. "SLD! I'm always there for you. Remember me whenever you need something.". And now, "Oh don't worry about it. People have gone crazy in lockdown."

Yeah! Lockdown has made my relatives want to put my father in lockup.... Simple as that. 

So, just one friend actually tried to help me. She contacted her really powerful college friend. Let's see if he can help. 

So, in conclusion, from 20-25 friends, I came down to 1 in just a week. This is why I am a loner. I wasn't born this way. Actually, I was supposed to be a social butterfly. But being unrich, untalented and unsexy, people often unfriended me and betrayed me(after use). I didn't remember this as I stopped actively trying to make new friends since standard 6, but my soul or heart or brain or whatever it is, remembered the hurt. Probably, that's why they say to trust your gut.

But honestly, loneliness kills!