The Year That Broke Me

 28th July, 2023:

           28th July, 2022, I flew down to Chennai to join my college, CMI Siruseri, for my Masters course in Data Science. And one month later, I was back home.

            That one month stay in Chennai resolved a lot of things: all my smaller episodes of anxiety, insecurity, low confidence, hopelessness, my acute sense of poverty, my incapability of making friends, my dumbness, my low functioning brain that things I can do wonders but couldn't even survive a semester in CMI's environment, everything surfaced at the same time in that month.

            Everything that I low-key knew was lacking in me, came forth as a big black hole during my stay at CMI.

            Technically, it wasn't "in" CMI because Data Science students aren't accommodated in their internal hostel. I was at a hostel outside the industrial area housing the college, CMI. That was the first wound I sustained. Don't get me wrong, my roommate was an angel, but she wasn't from my college. In fact, no one in my hostel was. I, who had never stayed away from home, was now staying away from home, away from college, away from college mates, away from hope, away from life.

            But I don't think that it was just staying away from home that made me weak; it was thinking that I don't deserve to stay away from home, that I don't deserve to study in the best Mathematics College in the country, that I am wasting so much of my already poor parents' money through this college that demands Rs. 2 Lakhs per semester plus my fooding and accommodation expenses that mad me feel like a dam fell on me.

            Now, where did I get these thoughts from???

            Was it just an over-thinker's thoughts? Or was it a child suffering from Complex-PTSD? That needs another blog series, not about just a year of my life but my entire life.

            Obviously, the money was the most important factor for why I quit CMI within a month. If I were allowed to fail, I would have tried. But Rs. 2 Lakhs per semester, on didn't give me the privilege to try. Second was my Complex-PTSD suffering mind. But CMI too wasn't easy on me. If abstract reasons could be arranged in ascending order, here the are:

• The teachers there don't teach. True, they just don't. CMI simply provides a platform for genii to come together, study on their own, have some discussions and be by themselves. For a classroom person like me, who is a high functioning introvert, with no background help, with PTSD and money issue dancing on the head, it was the first shock.
• The students their, were just rude for no apparent reason, nothing like I have ever faced here in my hometown. You two, I don't even know your names, from Physics Major, but thank you for being mean to me out of nowhere.
• The seniors were helpful, true, but on their own terms. Dear Abhishek Bhaiya, I really wished you had not asked me to wait for the 'right time' when I asked you for the previous year question papers. I wanted to develop a study plan as per those.
• Friends form an important part of life and definitely for surviving away from home. I tried being friends with Nidhi but she was too self-sufficient for my lacking in everything soul and it didn't work. Then came Vaishali and Anwesha. They once left Mohit alone because they said they didn't want to be around him. And we four, were together that day. Leaving Mohit was in itself a red flag on you two's part for me, and that day and most days, you two left me alone too.
• The teachers said that we would learn more from each other than from our classes. And I found a discussion friend in Narendran. He needed help in Math, I needed in Computer. He agreed. The next day, he refused, saying, "It's too soon.". So soon that the assignments had already started pouring in. And then he stopped talking to me, not even as a friend. And then I saw him talking, discussing study related things with other girls. Dear Narendran, I wish you had told me the truth that I wasn't pretty enough to start studying sooner.
• Ascending, isn't it, huh? I saved the best for the last. RITIRUPA DI!

            First, you yourself kept calling me and pretending to be the sweetest person on Earth when you needed me to move in your apartment. And all I said, was I need time to think as I have never been to Chennai and you were a stranger. Obviously, you didn't know that I couldn't afford staying at an apartment. But you were in PG, you should have realized people can have a lot of issues going on in their lives. We can't just wake up one day and decide upon a thing. 

            Then when I came to Chennai, you up front, not only ignored me in public, but also treated me like a beggar on road. And then when I was facing problems at my hostel and your roommate told me that she was leaving, so to move in, in her place, you straight away resorted to scolding me like I was trying to break into your house??? You said that your class fellow will move in in your roommate's place, then why had you called me in the first place? 

            And I don't even wanna start on how mean your words were that day! Do you know, you drew the last blow on the coffin of my better future? Do you realize that you ended my life? That you destroyed me? And all this because I just said that I needed time to think? That too in the most polite and humble and soft way possible? We even talked that if you get new roommates, you shouldn't wait for me because I don't want to cause you any trouble! How could you not trust my intentions after all this? Because I too was stranger to you? But you had no problem asking this stranger to move in with you!

            The only conclusion that remains is that you are just a selfish person who uses and then throws people.

            Aditya, this is the girl you said is "Okay"?

            Adarsh, when I was leaving, you asked if someone has done anything. Now, you know the answer.

            Now, I know the number 1 reason I failed was that I wasn't emotionally and mentally strong. But it has been a year and I think I have only turned worse.

            But I can't conclude CMI without the good things that happened.

Sadhvika: My only roommate ever. You are the best roommate anyone can ever ask for. And thanks for                   helping me on the escalator.

Aditya: I still don't understand how you can help a stranger for placement interviews. You are the first                 senior I knew from CMI and know that I'll always have respect for you in my heart.  

Ujan: We could have been good friends if I were stronger. You are a good person, Ujan. And I know               your father is proud of you.

Sulagna: Another angel on Earth. I wish I had met you sooner in life.

Saptarshi: Though our views don't match on a number of topics, I was lucky to have you as a friend.

Nidhi: Thanks for talking with me when you saw me crying. Thanks for guiding me to study when you             saw me distressed. I was my fault that I was preoccupied with what I lack than with what life is             giving me.

Jassim: Thank you for being my study partner even if it was for just a day.

Abhishek: You are helpful, no doubt and you have this positive vibe about yourself. But saying that we                   are from two different worlds, would be an understatement.

Mohit: You are a good friend.

SLD: You came back alive.

BETRAYAL

Since a long time, during my chronic loneliness, I had remembered the pain of betrayal but not the actual stories. I knew I'm hurt and sad out of back-stabbing, betrayals and some more things but I couldn't remember what had actually happened.

This was because I had stopped making friends a long time ago because in primary school itself, I faced a lot of betrayals. So, that's how I became and went by my days; introvert, socially awkward and "friend" hater. 

But recently, having completed college, I faced this storm of loneliness. I felt like I am in outerspace without an oxygen mask. I suffered, a lot, in silence, without my family's knowing(as if they'd care), during the covid-19 lockdown and week before I decided that enough is enough.

I need friends. I can't continue waiting for Prince Charming(vaise bhi IITians ke bhav bahut hote hai). So, I messaged everyone, I've ever had the least communication with on facebook as well as whatsapp. Guess what? Oh! I'm overwhelmed to share. 

Only 50% of them replied back. Not surprised actually; I don't have notes to share anymore(nor am I sexy).

So, I chatted with the remaining 50% on facebook. They said that they were trying to contact me but my whatsapp was off. I shared my number with them, the same old number. And waited for their message, which hasn't come yet and I wonder if they'll ever come. So, I came down to 25% of my whatsapp friends. Oooh! The intimate ones. 

One among them had said before that I am very special to him and he could give his life for him. And after chatting for a week, I shared this family issue I'm facing and since he claims to have legal knowledge, I asked for help and advice and what I got in return is a "Hmmm"!(Oh! My favourite word.)

So, were the other friends. "SLD! I'm always there for you. Remember me whenever you need something.". And now, "Oh don't worry about it. People have gone crazy in lockdown."

Yeah! Lockdown has made my relatives want to put my father in lockup.... Simple as that. 

So, just one friend actually tried to help me. She contacted her really powerful college friend. Let's see if he can help. 

So, in conclusion, from 20-25 friends, I came down to 1 in just a week. This is why I am a loner. I wasn't born this way. Actually, I was supposed to be a social butterfly. But being unrich, untalented and unsexy, people often unfriended me and betrayed me(after use). I didn't remember this as I stopped actively trying to make new friends since standard 6, but my soul or heart or brain or whatever it is, remembered the hurt. Probably, that's why they say to trust your gut.

But honestly, loneliness kills!