Life, As It Is

Life has never been easy for me. Nor has it ever been impossible. It just has always been a bit too difficult. And that's the problem. I don't get things easily. Most times, I don't get those at all and like quite recently, I get those but lose as quickly as I can.

My life has always been along the edge. And I keep slipping. Barely making it to the next benchmark. I live on the peak of the most rugged mountain. Left, right, front, back; everywhere, I lose something. Staying is unbearable and going back is torturous.

There are a few flowers on the way, ever ready to spread their magical smell. But when you come near, you realize they stink and the sweet odour was just a cover-up. The vines grow and throw you off the feet; you try to get up, they push you back; herbs that were supposed to heal you, poison your wounds.

And to add chillies to an already hot soup, since the last 3rd year, I have developed this great attribute of quitting. Not many know, but I am about do it for the 8th time in a row.

What lies ahead, or rather behind now, are chartered waters; but the waters that pull you down. Every. Single. Time.

So, it goes like this. I am living on quick sand, I have to walk on burning coal and all this, only to fall into the inevitable black hole.

THEY DIDN'T LET ME BE ANGRY

I was just scolded for being hurt by my mother's indifference to my health. I have been down with cold for almost two weeks now and she still worries about which next saree to buy. 

But while pondering over all these, something dawned upon me. Not regarding my cold, but about me being allowed to get angry.

All my life I have been called out for being angry, by my mother, sister, father and others. I know that I am scared to get angry and self-deprecate whenever I get angry on just anyone. They hurt me, I get pissed off and then start cursing myself for becoming angry. It is so because all my life whenever I got angry, either of the following happened.

1) I was told that there is nothing to get angry about.

2) I was told that I was over-reacting and probably, for attention.

3) I was called prideful and sometines, even egoistic.(Meet me in real life! Haha!)

4) I was told that I have no right to be angry because it was all my fault.

5) None, and I mean none, ever stood for me that my feelings are real and justified.

So, there you go, with all my bruises, all my scars. I think I am doing a good job seeing all that I had to go through and still am going through.(I still live with my family.) But now, I realize I am a human and WILL make mistakes but I can't possibly be wrong ALL THE TIME!