13 Reasons Why

     So, I have watched 13 Reasons Why-Season 1, twice now.

     And I still think that most people don't need a "Bryce" problem to take the step that Hannah took.

     Most people don't have a Bryce in their lives and still they give up.

     The biggest reasons why Hannah killed herself are Jessica and Alex. They were her friends in the new place. They let petty jealousy and lust to come in between their friendship.

     Friends as such break our confidence and desire to live, especially when we are from a middle class background. 

     My friend, who is preparing for the UPSC CSE exam, saw a video and told me about it. The trainer in her video spoke how to actually clear difficult examinations, parents need to not burden their wards with their problems.

     Haa! Good one. 

     That is what my parents do on a daily basis, sometimes, more than once in a day. They even ask me to fight with the other parent to prove they are right.

     Just recently, maybe 2 or 3 days back, I woke up to my parents fighting and my father brought the fight to my room. First, he just sat on my bed, while my mother was standing just inside the door and they were shouting at each other. Soon, my father started involving me in a fight I knew nothing about and my mother followed the lead, both wanting me to speak against the other parent.

     Actually, when my father involved me in the fight, I was shocked because usually, it is my mother's favorite job.

     Then there is Mr. Potter of the show. He is practically everyone I ever opened up to. My friends have a habit of scolding me for not sharing about my life to them, but when I do, they don't believe me.

     The ones who do believe that I ain't lying, they think I am saying such things about my life because I misunderstood.

     And you know, Mr. Potter was the last blow on the nail. 

     But don't worry, I won't take the step, Hannah took.

Life, As It Is

Life has never been easy for me. Nor has it ever been impossible. It just has always been a bit too difficult. And that's the problem. I don't get things easily. Most times, I don't get those at all and like quite recently, I get those but lose as quickly as I can.

My life has always been along the edge. And I keep slipping. Barely making it to the next benchmark. I live on the peak of the most rugged mountain. Left, right, front, back; everywhere, I lose something. Staying is unbearable and going back is torturous.

There are a few flowers on the way, ever ready to spread their magical smell. But when you come near, you realize they stink and the sweet odour was just a cover-up. The vines grow and throw you off the feet; you try to get up, they push you back; herbs that were supposed to heal you, poison your wounds.

And to add chillies to an already hot soup, since the last 3rd year, I have developed this great attribute of quitting. Not many know, but I am about do it for the 8th time in a row.

What lies ahead, or rather behind now, are chartered waters; but the waters that pull you down. Every. Single. Time.

So, it goes like this. I am living on quick sand, I have to walk on burning coal and all this, only to fall into the inevitable black hole.

NuMb

This blog was written before and after my blogs, HINDI and BETRAYAL respectively. But due to some personal reasons, I am publishing it late.

     It's been a while since I wrote my last blog and though I wanted to be regular with blogging, I just couldn't. Life, if you are an emotion-driven empath, makes you numb. And to top it with all the more sufferings, my DNA is that of an introvert, socially awkward, blunt empath.

     I was solving my math problems when suddenly, my pen pushed me to pen down this blog.(And people wonder why I love Math) Well, coming back to the point of this blog, I realized that my life has been full of so many "If only I had known better!"s. I could have saved myself from so many heartaches, betrayals, futile trying to make people better understand or see the truth.

     I would have let myself move on when I was hoping they would see and change. I wish I had known that the scars they showed me on their bodies, were mere tattoos to misguide others. I would not have, not at all, spent the slightest energy on the person, for whom I was ready to die once, if I had already known, she looks down upon "Bengalis". I would not have considered my parents "God" and seen them as just humans like you and me.(Edit: They are the best parents I could have have got.)

     I would not have thought that all my dreams would come true just because I prayed for them. You have to work hard and be patient, dear! I would noy have been that dreamer and wanderlust person, if only I had known "Reality will never let you escape.". 

     Today, I know better and still don't know so much. I don't even know what and how much I don't know. I don't know what I need to know. But I have realized one thing, and I hope I've realized right, and that is that life sorts it out. What's meant to be, will be. Neither give up nor be impatient. If you are still breathing, you must be still trying.

     Signing off, my dear Sunflowers! Take care!

A DEPRESSED CHILD'S DIARY

Hey, fellow unicorn believers!

This blog here, is a short one on my ongoing depression. You can read it as you...

Let us suppose we all have a fire burning inside us. In that case, most of the people around me, my friends and siblings, i.e., most of the people who love comparing themselves with me, are full of a blaze; a fire that's ready to engulf everything around it. It's beautiful and intense. They all are burning bright with passion and ambition, provoked even more by their supportive parents.

And then there's me; a small diya of hope, somehow managing to stay lit, with heavy downpour all around. Hoping and begging for help and some shelter, celebrating of I could make it through just another day.

That's it, friends, for today. See you soon again!

Depression Diary 3

Depression Dairy Returns!

Haha! I know the heading suc*s. But depression has struck again, so I apologise.

Well! It has been quite some time since I wrote my pevious and second blog on depression and had promised you guys another blog on how I overcame my depression. But honestly, with tears in my eyes and a hysterical laughter, I say this; I had just fooled myself that I were out of depression.

I realized it is just a phase of depression where you are strong for a few days. But having no expert's guidance, I thought that I had defeated my Demon Depression.

You know what the funny thing about chronic depression is? It makes you realize that life is not a bed of thorns. Sometimes, you get a shower of roses too. Of course, then the thorns get jealous and strike back with greater might!

So, I'm still in these troubled waters and mistook a buoy for my Island Paradise. Trust me; more than asthma patients get asthma attacks, I get depression attacks aka emotional breakdowns. 

Well! I'll be back with another update soon. Till then, bye and take care, my fellow depresseds!

Instagram

Depression Diary! - Part 2

Nothing is the same after you enter life's "depression" phase from "being the carefree kid with big ambitions" phase. Yeah, you eat normally, breathe normally, have cravings and mood swings and every other normal human thing. But then again, nothing is the same again.

Depression makes you observant. You better notice people's hypocrisy, especially of the ones closer to you. You see how "Go vegan" is just a non-veg hater's inferiority complex and not any care for animals' lives. You see how your friends just pretend to be secular and liberal and only blame others for their extremist beliefs. You realize that the ones who claim that you are their best friend are actually the ones that want to see you fall. 

 

Other than these painful things, depression has a beauty to it too. It makes you a romantic. It makes you a lover of poems and shayari and music and other art. And suddenly, after some couples of years in you depression bed, you realize its cushions are better than the cushions of normalcy. And you want to stay here more, just like the songlines "Mainu pinjre de vich qaid kara, mai na udhna chahva. Je mai bahar nikla te mainu maar dengi hava va." by Gurnazar.

And after Dwelling in the darkness of depression for a long time, when somehow the door to happiness opens, you are scared of stepping out that door. No, not because you are now used to deppression, but because the creatures, that sent you to the dungeon of depression, are still lurking out there, waiting to prey, on you. 

Ending with an observation of mine. Some people are so damn lucky 'cause when I publish my blogs and show them, they won't believe it's true, that it's made up. Well! I hope it never becomes true for you. It shall be my gift to you. 

The Social Media Experts....

I had no thought about making a blog. But I had to speak. Stop trending Depression... Stop making a hashtag out of it. 

First of all, someone is dead. Let him rest in peace. Stop judging whether what he did was right or not. You guys have never been depressed, so stop treating it like it's cowardice. It takes courage to end one's life, even when life seems hopeless because alive itself means hope.

Trend that an actor is dead like you did for Irrfan Kahan, Rishi Kapoor. But don't trend depression. It depresses us, the depressed, even more. Some of you are making memes on Depression. Like it's a joke. Others are busy being compassionate while the truth is when you get used to SSR's death, you'll come back to "aaa depression is just an act. Oh it's nothing!".

You all got used to CAA NRC riots, to muslims killing hindus, hindus killing christians, and this long and everlasting chain of communal killings. You all got used to covid-19, to more peole dying out of hunger, not corona. You all got used to amphan. So, it's inevitable that you'all will get used to "#depressionisreal".

So, don't, just don't make a shit of it now. Don't tell me that depression is serious, don't tell me that SSR did not do the right thing. Don't tell me that you care. I am 22 years old. Your 1 week's trending depression topic won't change this truth that YOU DON'T CARE!

You know what causes depression? Your attitude that our pains are self inflicted and not real, that too from people we love so much. The funny part about depression is that if you win, people will love you and always remember you. But it you lose, they will forget all the fights you fought alone and internally, trend you for a month and then forget you entirely.

Once again, the winner takes it all and the loser loses everything. The very fact that cause depression in the first place.

So, I request you all. Don't try and turn someone's death into your publicity stunt. Life is difficult enough already for the mentally tired, i.e., us. Don't make it hellfire for us.

Humko Ghar Jana Hai(I want to go home)

"Humko ghar jana hai."

The assemblage broke into laughter.

"Humko ghar jana hai.", said the final year graduation student when she was asked to sing, which, by the way, she did, and the audience started smirking and whispering.

Oh! It was a prank. And I thought finally, they have started liking me. "Humko ghar jana hai."

Her friends rebuked her, "Stop whining like a baby. You are a tiger."

"Par humko ghar jana hai."(But I want to go home.)

And she ran. Oh! If only a Prince Charming followed her too.

The news reached her mother, too.

Alas! Now she is screwed.

"Oh God! Our money has been wasted on this 'worthless' girl. What wrong had we done that we got her? Now, who will marry her? Why did you start crying suddenly, 'Humko ghar jana hai.'?"

"Oh no no no! Not a sudden story at all. I cry 'Humko ghar jana hai.' all the time. 

I am crying now. I cry so at college; I cry so at the mall with my friends.

Just none heard me before as it was all in.

I cry at dusk. I cry at dawn.

I cry at parties. I cry alone.

I just didn't show it then; thought I could keep it in.

But the world has its ways,

To make the calm lose their peace.

You pester my emotions, overlook my silent complaints.

I talk to you, Mom, with moist eyes.

But you neglect your liability's demands.

Nah! Don't you worry. I won't kill me.

I am a tiger as they tell me.

But listen oh! My always fair mother,

You daughter that breathes here, 

Had her soul butchered long ago.

Who dared do so, you ask? 

Well! Her mother and her father, I say."

If only, she could say all this out loud.

Why I shall never be successful.

Perks of being a middle-class brown girl, that too sensitive.

I shall never be successful. I can never become an entrepreneur, an actor, an architect, a brand ambassador or even an engineer or a doctor. I am a middle class Indian girl with highly educated, but conservative parents. Oh! And not to forget, hypocrites as well.

All I can ever be is a bank officer because that is "safe for girls".

To be successful, there are a few requirements. Firstly, you need to expand your horizon. But good sanskari girls must not stay away from home except for studies and must study only some general graduation course in a local college.

Secondly, to be successful, one needs to invest time in themselves. Four hours college, fours part-time job, two hours into daily chores, seven hours sleep, two hours homework, two hours family taunts("Doesn't help at a single task."), one hour of crying, one hour of putting yourself back together, two hours of "Beta! Just do this one thing for me.". Oh! That's twenty-five hours, but you get the point.

Third way to get successful or rich is to do investments.  The Rs.1500 of my part-time job pays for my college stationery, my internet pack and small perks to abate my depression waves.

So, here comes point number four.
MENTAL STATE
"There is nothing like depression. You are doing it purposely to get attention. You are doing it to trouble us." Like yes! I tried to suicide just to get your attention. But I don't blame my parents for their lack of knowledge about depression; my classmates, too, think depression is a game.

Now comes the last blow to a middle-class girl's dreams. We are not allowed to become what we want.
Can't be a doctor; too expensive course. Can't be an engineer; you can never crack JEE(Thanks, dad!). Can't be a professor; who's gonna pay for your masters? And after all this, I don't even dare to ask if I can join the film industry. Haha! Get that?
In short, we can be nothing except a bank officer because that is "safe for girls".

But now, you must be thinking why I don't fight for what I want. If you are really thinking so, you need to grow up and know how the world works. Exceptions are not Examples. There are even times when you ask for a laptop, a second-hand will do and the reply you get is,"Do you really need one?". The "really" changes everything.

Dear parents, a man doesn't REALLY need anything. One can survive on the minimum food, minimum water one gets. One can survive in the woods or the mountains. But surviving is not living. You got to let us live for once.

Have you read my "DEPRESSION DIARY"?

Depression Diary!

 Beautiful Souls!

Firstly, if you are looking for a scientific analysis of depression and want tested and verified tips to cope up with it, this is not the blog you want...

But,
If you wanna read what resonates with your present feelings and wanna know how a completely drowned girl came out of the water, well, you have reached your destination...

So, let's start with how The Devil Depression begins...
It is the tension and the stress, or the work load and the sudden changes in life, or just the people, close to your heart, not realizing that you can feel too, that opens your mind's window to depression. It's their over-expectations and unrealistic demands that dial Depression's number.
Depression slowly creeps into your mind, first as frustation. Then it is the dire need of a complete break which you don't get, definitely. Then comes your declining performance and people's speculations of what's wrong with you. And then the final nail on the coffin of the peace of your mind, "It's all in your head." or like I got it, "You're doing this to gain attention."
Yeah, right! I want to suicide just to get your attention...

Soon, over a period of time, you forget that you can actually be happy. You think that you have never been good enough. You don't have a low confidence, you have a zero confidence. Your family gets irritated, your friends get bored. And then you realize that you are good for nothing and that your life is a burden on earth.
You suffocate; you wanna get out; you want people to know, understand and help you because you have tried and failed daily, for years, to come out of this quicksand called Depression.
Days, weeks, months, years; all the same.

You have a heartbeat, but you feel still. You want to get out and go to work, but you can't see why. Hopelessness was already there, now lack of purpose gets in. The stillness of your heart and mind tears your soul...
And congratulations! You have successfully achieved full depression.

Depression makes you feel worthless. But you know the best part? You are the sky. The clouds will come, but they can't stay forever. And I'll tell how mine left but in the next blog. I apologise...

Bye Sweethearts! Keep holding on. I am here for you.❤