TROUBLE IN PARADISE

    I don't know what I'm feeling. My friend, I'll use the nickname I have for her, Mi-Chan, is angry with me; and I know that I deserve it.

    So, she has been going through a lot of toxic friendships at the library she used to go for studying. Narcissistic friend, red-flag pursuers, perverts and what not?

    And all this after she has had a horrible childhood; absent father and narcissistic mother who just wanted a son.

    But recently, the matter of her narcissistic friend and the pervert escalated. I could see she was really suffering and I gave her the best advices I could, talked to her over the phone for hours and tried to be there for her as much as I could.

       But then. the last blow on the nail came in the guise of a serious argument between her parents. She couldn't tell me what it was about but from her chats, I could tell it was of proportions she had never seen before. I tried to be there as much as I could for her and she became better after a few days but then about a week or so later, we again talked about our sufferings.

    She continued blaming God for her problems and I tried to show her how God is actually trying to help her through therapists, her friendships, internet service, her scooty, etc. I tried to give her the example of the drowning man who wanted God to help him but denied His help when it came in the form of swimmers, boats and ships.

    I could tell she disliked it given that she only replied with a reaction to my message. I was hurt because we have talked on such topics innumerable times but she still isn't ready to see who is actually responsible for her troubles, just like my sister.

    A few days later, she sent me 2 recordings, one for insulting a mere show-off of charity work by the pervert and second, honestly, I don't remember and I can't listen to it again because she deleted them when I didn't reply for a few hours. I had heard them but couldn't bring myself to reply to her because I was totally hurt by her constant refusal to heal, even when she has the means to do so, and continuing to enjoy the toxicity and negativity of the people around her whom she can easily cut off.

    Then, she was changed.

    She didn't come online for a full day, was giving minimal replies to my chats (just yes or no or reactions) and when I asked what had happened that day, among other messages, she didn't reply to this particular message.

    I know I'm at fault here. My friend has the worst of family and I abandoned her, even though for a few hours, but I did. But I tried talking to her again but she isn't letting me in. And now, I don't even want to try anymore. Not that now I'm angry at her or my ego is hurt, just that I love her and I don't want our friendship to end but also, that I feel like someone is rubbing hot sand on my fresh open wounds, everytime, I try to be there for her, especially, since her issues with the narcisstisic friend started, about whom I warned her many times but she spoke to that friend, till the last day; even after insulting her and complaining about her to me for hours without end on the phone.

    I just feel emotionally numb. I love Mi-Chan but I just can't put in anymore effort.

23 May '23

Heya! How are you, dear reader? I hope you are doing fine and if not, know I'm here. 

And don't think I am just being nice for my blog. I genuinely care for every aching heart and soul out there.

So, what is the reason behind today's post? 

What happened is that I have a friend, let's call her T. She has some issues at home, real issues, I know because I have visited her house often, and earlier she used to ask me if I could arrange some money for some her needs, not the extravagant needs, but some bigger ones like her sister's college fees or her mother's medical bills when she was diagnosed with cancer. 

     I had tried to help her using the online fundraising sites, asked my contacts and sometimes, from ny own pocket, as I used to provide tuitions to kids at my house. 

     T would always return the money after a few days. So, there were no issues. And I know T is trustworthy. 

     But due to my personal problems, I gave up teaching and due to some other reasons, my parents had incurred a loan of Rs.2 lakhs on themselves. Also, I rejoined college, for my masters, so, there is another expense now 

     So, what happened today is that T again asked me to lend her some money which she would again return in a few days. But due to the above reasons, I told her that I don't have any money to lend. And that I am sorry for this.

     She replied with an "Ok" and deleted the message where she was asking for the money. 

     Now, I am confused. Maybe, if I had been in her place, I would have done the same thing. But I feel like I have offended her I feel like she is angry and I don't want to ask her if she really is. I feel like she is thinking that I am being selfish or that I am ignoring her because she is in a bad situation today.

     I want her to know that if I had money, I would give everything to her. But I don't. My savings are over and I can't ask my parents to lend some when they are already struggling with their own financial crisis. 

     All such things remind me of what a great failure I am. I am a total loser. I tried to do something and ended up, well, ended up basically ending my life. I hate it, totally hate to face myself everyday. I feel like I am a rotten being and if only, I could get rid of myself.

                           The     End