Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts

Monday, 18 July 2022

NuMb

This blog was written before and after my blogs, HINDI and BETRAYAL respectively. But due to some personal reasons, I am publishing it late.

     It's been a while since I wrote my last blog and though I wanted to be regular with blogging, I just couldn't. Life, if you are an emotion-driven empath, makes you numb. And to top it with all the more sufferings, my DNA is that of an introvert, socially awkward, blunt empath.

     I was solving my math problems when suddenly, my pen pushed me to pen down this blog.(And people wonder why I love Math) Well, coming back to the point of this blog, I realized that my life has been full of so many "If only I had known better!"s. I could have saved myself from so many heartaches, betrayals, futile trying to make people better understand or see the truth.

     I would have let myself move on when I was hoping they would see and change. I wish I had known that the scars they showed me on their bodies, were mere tattoos to misguide others. I would not have, not at all, spent the slightest energy on the person, for whom I was ready to die once, if I had already known, she looks down upon "Bengalis". I would not have considered my parents "God" and seen them as just humans like you and me.(Edit: They are the best parents I could have have got.)

     I would not have thought that all my dreams would come true just because I prayed for them. You have to work hard and be patient, dear! I would noy have been that dreamer and wanderlust person, if only I had known "Reality will never let you escape.". 

     Today, I know better and still don't know so much. I don't even know what and how much I don't know. I don't know what I need to know. But I have realized one thing, and I hope I've realized right, and that is that life sorts it out. What's meant to be, will be. Neither give up nor be impatient. If you are still breathing, you must be still trying.

     Signing off, my dear Sunflowers! Take care!

Sunday, 7 February 2021

THEY DIDN'T LET ME BE ANGRY

I was just scolded for being hurt by my mother's indifference to my health. I have been down with cold for almost two weeks now and she still worries about which next saree to buy. 
But while pondering over all these, something dawned upon me. Not regarding my cold, but about me being allowed to get angry.
All my life I have been called out for being angry, by my mother, sister, father and others. I know that I am scared to get angry and self-deprecate whenever I get angry on just anyone. They hurt me, I get pissed off and then start cursing myself for becoming angry. It is so because all my life whenever I got angry, either of the following happened.
1) I was told that there is nothing to get angry about.
2) I was told that I was over-reacting and probably, for attention.
3) I was called prideful and sometines, even egoistic.(Meet me in real life! Haha!)
4) I was told that I have no right to be angry because it was all my fault.
5) None, and I mean none, ever stood for me that my feelings are real and justified.

So, there you go, with all my bruises, all my scars. I think I am doing a good job seeing all that I had to go through and still am going through.(I still live with my family.) But now, I realize I am a human and WILL make mistakes but I can't possibly be wrong ALL THE TIME!

TROUBLE IN PARADISE

     I don't know what I'm feeling. My friend, I'll use the nickname I have for her, Mi-Chan, is angry with me; and I know that ...