Flashbacks

     Do you have that thing where you suddenly remember something sad or embarrassing and have a sudden rush of fear in your body?

     Yes, I do. I get these flashbacks, at least a solid seven to eight times a day. They usually last for a second or two. But the memory it calls back, spoils my mood for the next couple of hours.

     Like I remember the time when I got a few answers in my standard 6 English test, that were correct according to the book, and my teacher scolded me for bringing the matter to her. P.S., I was polite when I showed her the book.

     I was late on submitting my assignment in standard 9 due to my depression. And I was given the "You are the worst student ever" look by my teacher and her eyes still haunt me. When I was telling my teacher that I was late because of some genuine reasons, this other girl who was with me, told me not to do that in a rather looking down upon tone and her words and tone still haunt me.

     Like the time when I knew the answer to a question but my tutur at 11th standard coaching, shunned me down and didn't let me speak. Like when he made fun of me, saying that I am inconsistent, when I stood first in the second test after coming 6th in the first test.

     Like every time I remember anything about CMI. Even when I remember my time with my roommate, Sadhvika, I have the sudden rush of fear and same, even though I really appreciate her. I hate anything and everything related to Narendran. I was really trying to remain at CMI and I would have but the few people who made things worse for me include Narendran and Ritirupa(senior). The paragraph about CMI would be a long one, so, moving on.

     I recently read somewhere that such flashbacks are a result of PTSD, both types. What's worse in cases like mine is that we are unable to heal as we are stuck forever in the environment, causing us this trauma, every single day.

     

     

Unsafe at the Safest Place

     So, my parents are looking for a groom for my sister nowadays, yes, for her arranged marriage. So, firstly, my mother would only bring names that were 15 to 20 years older than my sister. She was even told about men who are characterless, roadside thugs, high school failed, not earning and she had no problems to these, in comparison to my architect sister, from one of the beat architecture schools in India, working in the best firm in our hometown.

     Then finally, we got a guy who was still less qualified than my sister, but better than the other candidates. Then our family got to meet the guy's parents ad anyone, literally anyone with half a mind could see that the boy's mother would be abusive to my sister. They basically want a housewife for their son, who is ready to work like a donkey in the house after marriage. The boy's father is also of the same opinion and the boy would do anything his parents asked. 

     Moreover, when I went in front of them, they were more excited to see me than my sister. The mother who treated my sister like she was fly over shit, became the sweetest person to me. I told all these to my parents and they started treating me like I am outsider here to break this wedding. That I am the daughter of the devil. That I am worse than Hitler or Mussolini. 

     And, in case, you are thinking I am exaggerating, say thanks to God that you don't have a family like mine.

     Also, my mother said that if they want to have me in place of my sister, they can have me as long as they are ready to pay for me. 

     Ha!

     Do you know that my mother always claims to be modern and open minded but didn't even tell the guy's name to my sister, saying, "What will you do with his name?".

     You ask about our father? Well, he agrees to everything my mother says, adding, "She works day and night for you, can't you do even this much for her?", where this much can mean anything from us too working in the kitchen day and night to getting married to a 50 year old rapist.

     And all this reminds me of the times when my classmates would get jealous of me because I used to be good in studies. Yes, "used to be" because you can't remain even same after what I am going through on a daily basis.

     So, a couple of my friends have asked me why I share about myself so much, well, because the last time I did, I was told, "No! You must be misunderstanding something."

     Yes, I am misunderstanding the family I spent all my life with.

The Driver of my Life Bus

     So, they say that we ourselves are the drivers of our life. If it's our life, it's our choice. Well, most my life, other people have directed my bus, so much that after a point of time, I gave up wanting to know where to go, or even where I am going.

     Like a recent incident that happened os that my sister's friend had come to Ranchi. Yesterday, I was just saying "Hello! Hi!" to the friend on whatsapp and asked her to meet my sister, if possible, just to pass her time. Not compulsory and no specific reason. She said that they had already decided on meeting today.

     This fired back as that they are meeting only because I asked them to and because I too wanted to meet the friend. And so, now I must go to meet the friend with my sister. I can't even refuse because my sister is already angry with me on this matter. If I say, "No!", it will create a large scale scourge at home. And no one, not a single person, will even try to understand my side of the story.

How, in this situation, am I the driver of my bus?

And I have again become the villain of my family. And all I wanted was to give some happy time to my sister.

When I was selected for St. Xavier's College, Mumbai, for undergraduation, and my mother refused firmly, was I the driver? It would have been easier than CMI as:

1. It is convent place, so, more comfortable for me.

2. It was for UG, and I had more self-confidence, resilience and desire to work hard in UG.

3. All the incidents that broke me, like the familu quarrel that changed our family environment forever, me giving up on my dreams for my parents, etc, hadn't happened.

4. I had not wasted 2 years of my life.

5. I would have gone there for the subject I actually liked, not the one I waa settling for.

6. The fees was much less compared to CMI's, which is a huge factor, as I havw grown up hearing of our financial issues on a daily basis, so, being "Okay!" with the money factor is important for me to function.

I wanted to try acting. Mother said, "No!". How was a 13 year old, who still holds her mother so dearly, was supposed to go against her?

     Now, I don't even know what my destination is and what are the possible routes to take it. I don't even want to try knowing because then I'd start getting hopeful again and hope has been my greatest abuser since forever. After all this, all I can say is:

     "Even if I AM the driver of my bus, I feel like I took one wrong turn and now the bus is falling off a cliff, out of my control."

Proof of my innocence:

Dilemma

Above is just a pic I took and happen to like.

The dilemma is that I want to become a singer, basically, a pop-star kind of singer, but I am too old to begin and not willing to go through all the struggle in becoming one.

     I love singing. It takes me to another world. I love the pain, the sorrow, the happiness, the smirks, the grief, the anger, in the lyrics and music of the songs. I love practising. I love when I am able to hit the tone right. I love listening to my voice, when I am practising.

     But even the local competitions ask for a lot of money to even register. Like recently, I was trying to participate in one and it asked for Rs.8,500. Dude! If I could afford that much I would have hired a vocal caoch and straight away applied for Indian Idol. Moreover, all my life, my family, my parents, my sister, my friends, everyone has only said that I am a horrible singer, that I don't sing, I recite a poem. That my voice is not high enough, that I am unable to do the ups and downs of the songs. 

     Recently, I sang "Phero Na Najariya" from the movie, "Qala", playing it on my harmonium and uploaded it on YouTube. My mother heard and said it's okay. I was hoping she would support me and share the video on her facebook or whatsapp. But after waiting dor 2-3 days, when she didn't share, I asked her myself if she could do so. She bluntly refused with a smile. And the look in her eyes, well, you won't believe even if I told you.

     Well, that's it. That's my life, my journey. People say, even my own sister, that I get things easily. I have no idea which things she is speaking of. I would not ask her to walk a mile in my shoes; I can't wish that bad for anyone.

     You know that pain when you too have problems in your life but people say just because you are better off than that one person, so, you have no right to feel sad? You don't? Well, then, you are one hell of a lucky person.

23 May '23

Heya! How are you, dear reader? I hope you are doing fine and if not, know I'm here. 

And don't think I am just being nice for my blog. I genuinely care for every aching heart and soul out there.

So, what is the reason behind today's post? 

What happened is that I have a friend, let's call her T. She has some issues at home, real issues, I know because I have visited her house often, and earlier she used to ask me if I could arrange some money for some her needs, not the extravagant needs, but some bigger ones like her sister's college fees or her mother's medical bills when she was diagnosed with cancer. 

     I had tried to help her using the online fundraising sites, asked my contacts and sometimes, from ny own pocket, as I used to provide tuitions to kids at my house. 

     T would always return the money after a few days. So, there were no issues. And I know T is trustworthy. 

     But due to my personal problems, I gave up teaching and due to some other reasons, my parents had incurred a loan of Rs.2 lakhs on themselves. Also, I rejoined college, for my masters, so, there is another expense now 

     So, what happened today is that T again asked me to lend her some money which she would again return in a few days. But due to the above reasons, I told her that I don't have any money to lend. And that I am sorry for this.

     She replied with an "Ok" and deleted the message where she was asking for the money. 

     Now, I am confused. Maybe, if I had been in her place, I would have done the same thing. But I feel like I have offended her I feel like she is angry and I don't want to ask her if she really is. I feel like she is thinking that I am being selfish or that I am ignoring her because she is in a bad situation today.

     I want her to know that if I had money, I would give everything to her. But I don't. My savings are over and I can't ask my parents to lend some when they are already struggling with their own financial crisis. 

     All such things remind me of what a great failure I am. I am a total loser. I tried to do something and ended up, well, ended up basically ending my life. I hate it, totally hate to face myself everyday. I feel like I am a rotten being and if only, I could get rid of myself.

                           The     End