The Driver of my Life Bus

     So, they say that we ourselves are the drivers of our life. If it's our life, it's our choice. Well, most my life, other people have directed my bus, so much that after a point of time, I gave up wanting to know where to go, or even where I am going.

     Like a recent incident that happened os that my sister's friend had come to Ranchi. Yesterday, I was just saying "Hello! Hi!" to the friend on whatsapp and asked her to meet my sister, if possible, just to pass her time. Not compulsory and no specific reason. She said that they had already decided on meeting today.

     This fired back as that they are meeting only because I asked them to and because I too wanted to meet the friend. And so, now I must go to meet the friend with my sister. I can't even refuse because my sister is already angry with me on this matter. If I say, "No!", it will create a large scale scourge at home. And no one, not a single person, will even try to understand my side of the story.

How, in this situation, am I the driver of my bus?

And I have again become the villain of my family. And all I wanted was to give some happy time to my sister.

When I was selected for St. Xavier's College, Mumbai, for undergraduation, and my mother refused firmly, was I the driver? It would have been easier than CMI as:

1. It is convent place, so, more comfortable for me.

2. It was for UG, and I had more self-confidence, resilience and desire to work hard in UG.

3. All the incidents that broke me, like the familu quarrel that changed our family environment forever, me giving up on my dreams for my parents, etc, hadn't happened.

4. I had not wasted 2 years of my life.

5. I would have gone there for the subject I actually liked, not the one I waa settling for.

6. The fees was much less compared to CMI's, which is a huge factor, as I havw grown up hearing of our financial issues on a daily basis, so, being "Okay!" with the money factor is important for me to function.

I wanted to try acting. Mother said, "No!". How was a 13 year old, who still holds her mother so dearly, was supposed to go against her?

     Now, I don't even know what my destination is and what are the possible routes to take it. I don't even want to try knowing because then I'd start getting hopeful again and hope has been my greatest abuser since forever. After all this, all I can say is:

     "Even if I AM the driver of my bus, I feel like I took one wrong turn and now the bus is falling off a cliff, out of my control."

Proof of my innocence:

Dilemma

Above is just a pic I took and happen to like.

The dilemma is that I want to become a singer, basically, a pop-star kind of singer, but I am too old to begin and not willing to go through all the struggle in becoming one.

     I love singing. It takes me to another world. I love the pain, the sorrow, the happiness, the smirks, the grief, the anger, in the lyrics and music of the songs. I love practising. I love when I am able to hit the tone right. I love listening to my voice, when I am practising.

     But even the local competitions ask for a lot of money to even register. Like recently, I was trying to participate in one and it asked for Rs.8,500. Dude! If I could afford that much I would have hired a vocal caoch and straight away applied for Indian Idol. Moreover, all my life, my family, my parents, my sister, my friends, everyone has only said that I am a horrible singer, that I don't sing, I recite a poem. That my voice is not high enough, that I am unable to do the ups and downs of the songs. 

     Recently, I sang "Phero Na Najariya" from the movie, "Qala", playing it on my harmonium and uploaded it on YouTube. My mother heard and said it's okay. I was hoping she would support me and share the video on her facebook or whatsapp. But after waiting dor 2-3 days, when she didn't share, I asked her myself if she could do so. She bluntly refused with a smile. And the look in her eyes, well, you won't believe even if I told you.

     Well, that's it. That's my life, my journey. People say, even my own sister, that I get things easily. I have no idea which things she is speaking of. I would not ask her to walk a mile in my shoes; I can't wish that bad for anyone.

     You know that pain when you too have problems in your life but people say just because you are better off than that one person, so, you have no right to feel sad? You don't? Well, then, you are one hell of a lucky person.

23 May '23

Heya! How are you, dear reader? I hope you are doing fine and if not, know I'm here. 

And don't think I am just being nice for my blog. I genuinely care for every aching heart and soul out there.

So, what is the reason behind today's post? 

What happened is that I have a friend, let's call her T. She has some issues at home, real issues, I know because I have visited her house often, and earlier she used to ask me if I could arrange some money for some her needs, not the extravagant needs, but some bigger ones like her sister's college fees or her mother's medical bills when she was diagnosed with cancer. 

     I had tried to help her using the online fundraising sites, asked my contacts and sometimes, from ny own pocket, as I used to provide tuitions to kids at my house. 

     T would always return the money after a few days. So, there were no issues. And I know T is trustworthy. 

     But due to my personal problems, I gave up teaching and due to some other reasons, my parents had incurred a loan of Rs.2 lakhs on themselves. Also, I rejoined college, for my masters, so, there is another expense now 

     So, what happened today is that T again asked me to lend her some money which she would again return in a few days. But due to the above reasons, I told her that I don't have any money to lend. And that I am sorry for this.

     She replied with an "Ok" and deleted the message where she was asking for the money. 

     Now, I am confused. Maybe, if I had been in her place, I would have done the same thing. But I feel like I have offended her I feel like she is angry and I don't want to ask her if she really is. I feel like she is thinking that I am being selfish or that I am ignoring her because she is in a bad situation today.

     I want her to know that if I had money, I would give everything to her. But I don't. My savings are over and I can't ask my parents to lend some when they are already struggling with their own financial crisis. 

     All such things remind me of what a great failure I am. I am a total loser. I tried to do something and ended up, well, ended up basically ending my life. I hate it, totally hate to face myself everyday. I feel like I am a rotten being and if only, I could get rid of myself.

                           The     End     

Life, As It Is

Life has never been easy for me. Nor has it ever been impossible. It just has always been a bit too difficult. And that's the problem. I don't get things easily. Most times, I don't get those at all and like quite recently, I get those but lose as quickly as I can.

My life has always been along the edge. And I keep slipping. Barely making it to the next benchmark. I live on the peak of the most rugged mountain. Left, right, front, back; everywhere, I lose something. Staying is unbearable and going back is torturous.

There are a few flowers on the way, ever ready to spread their magical smell. But when you come near, you realize they stink and the sweet odour was just a cover-up. The vines grow and throw you off the feet; you try to get up, they push you back; herbs that were supposed to heal you, poison your wounds.

And to add chillies to an already hot soup, since the last 3rd year, I have developed this great attribute of quitting. Not many know, but I am about do it for the 8th time in a row.

What lies ahead, or rather behind now, are chartered waters; but the waters that pull you down. Every. Single. Time.

So, it goes like this. I am living on quick sand, I have to walk on burning coal and all this, only to fall into the inevitable black hole.

NuMb

This blog was written before and after my blogs, HINDI and BETRAYAL respectively. But due to some personal reasons, I am publishing it late.

     It's been a while since I wrote my last blog and though I wanted to be regular with blogging, I just couldn't. Life, if you are an emotion-driven empath, makes you numb. And to top it with all the more sufferings, my DNA is that of an introvert, socially awkward, blunt empath.

     I was solving my math problems when suddenly, my pen pushed me to pen down this blog.(And people wonder why I love Math) Well, coming back to the point of this blog, I realized that my life has been full of so many "If only I had known better!"s. I could have saved myself from so many heartaches, betrayals, futile trying to make people better understand or see the truth.

     I would have let myself move on when I was hoping they would see and change. I wish I had known that the scars they showed me on their bodies, were mere tattoos to misguide others. I would not have, not at all, spent the slightest energy on the person, for whom I was ready to die once, if I had already known, she looks down upon "Bengalis". I would not have considered my parents "God" and seen them as just humans like you and me.(Edit: They are the best parents I could have have got.)

     I would not have thought that all my dreams would come true just because I prayed for them. You have to work hard and be patient, dear! I would noy have been that dreamer and wanderlust person, if only I had known "Reality will never let you escape.". 

     Today, I know better and still don't know so much. I don't even know what and how much I don't know. I don't know what I need to know. But I have realized one thing, and I hope I've realized right, and that is that life sorts it out. What's meant to be, will be. Neither give up nor be impatient. If you are still breathing, you must be still trying.

     Signing off, my dear Sunflowers! Take care!