Depression Diary! - Part 2

Nothing is the same after you enter life's "depression" phase from "being the carefree kid with big ambitions" phase. Yeah, you eat normally, breathe normally, have cravings and mood swings and every other normal human thing. But then again, nothing is the same again.

Depression makes you observant. You better notice people's hypocrisy, especially of the ones closer to you. You see how "Go vegan" is just a non-veg hater's inferiority complex and not any care for animals' lives. You see how your friends just pretend to be secular and liberal and only blame others for their extremist beliefs. You realize that the ones who claim that you are their best friend are actually the ones that want to see you fall. 

 

Other than these painful things, depression has a beauty to it too. It makes you a romantic. It makes you a lover of poems and shayari and music and other art. And suddenly, after some couples of years in you depression bed, you realize its cushions are better than the cushions of normalcy. And you want to stay here more, just like the songlines "Mainu pinjre de vich qaid kara, mai na udhna chahva. Je mai bahar nikla te mainu maar dengi hava va." by Gurnazar.

And after Dwelling in the darkness of depression for a long time, when somehow the door to happiness opens, you are scared of stepping out that door. No, not because you are now used to deppression, but because the creatures, that sent you to the dungeon of depression, are still lurking out there, waiting to prey, on you. 

Ending with an observation of mine. Some people are so damn lucky 'cause when I publish my blogs and show them, they won't believe it's true, that it's made up. Well! I hope it never becomes true for you. It shall be my gift to you. 

The Social Media Experts....

I had no thought about making a blog. But I had to speak. Stop trending Depression... Stop making a hashtag out of it. 

First of all, someone is dead. Let him rest in peace. Stop judging whether what he did was right or not. You guys have never been depressed, so stop treating it like it's cowardice. It takes courage to end one's life, even when life seems hopeless because alive itself means hope.

Trend that an actor is dead like you did for Irrfan Kahan, Rishi Kapoor. But don't trend depression. It depresses us, the depressed, even more. Some of you are making memes on Depression. Like it's a joke. Others are busy being compassionate while the truth is when you get used to SSR's death, you'll come back to "aaa depression is just an act. Oh it's nothing!".

You all got used to CAA NRC riots, to muslims killing hindus, hindus killing christians, and this long and everlasting chain of communal killings. You all got used to covid-19, to more peole dying out of hunger, not corona. You all got used to amphan. So, it's inevitable that you'all will get used to "#depressionisreal".

So, don't, just don't make a shit of it now. Don't tell me that depression is serious, don't tell me that SSR did not do the right thing. Don't tell me that you care. I am 22 years old. Your 1 week's trending depression topic won't change this truth that YOU DON'T CARE!

You know what causes depression? Your attitude that our pains are self inflicted and not real, that too from people we love so much. The funny part about depression is that if you win, people will love you and always remember you. But it you lose, they will forget all the fights you fought alone and internally, trend you for a month and then forget you entirely.

Once again, the winner takes it all and the loser loses everything. The very fact that cause depression in the first place.

So, I request you all. Don't try and turn someone's death into your publicity stunt. Life is difficult enough already for the mentally tired, i.e., us. Don't make it hellfire for us.

Humko Ghar Jana Hai(I want to go home)

"Humko ghar jana hai."

The assemblage broke into laughter.

"Humko ghar jana hai.", said the final year graduation student when she was asked to sing, which, by the way, she did, and the audience started smirking and whispering.

Oh! It was a prank. And I thought finally, they have started liking me. "Humko ghar jana hai."

Her friends rebuked her, "Stop whining like a baby. You are a tiger."

"Par humko ghar jana hai."(But I want to go home.)

And she ran. Oh! If only a Prince Charming followed her too.

The news reached her mother, too.

Alas! Now she is screwed.

"Oh God! Our money has been wasted on this 'worthless' girl. What wrong had we done that we got her? Now, who will marry her? Why did you start crying suddenly, 'Humko ghar jana hai.'?"

"Oh no no no! Not a sudden story at all. I cry 'Humko ghar jana hai.' all the time. 

I am crying now. I cry so at college; I cry so at the mall with my friends.

Just none heard me before as it was all in.

I cry at dusk. I cry at dawn.

I cry at parties. I cry alone.

I just didn't show it then; thought I could keep it in.

But the world has its ways,

To make the calm lose their peace.

You pester my emotions, overlook my silent complaints.

I talk to you, Mom, with moist eyes.

But you neglect your liability's demands.

Nah! Don't you worry. I won't kill me.

I am a tiger as they tell me.

But listen oh! My always fair mother,

You daughter that breathes here, 

Had her soul butchered long ago.

Who dared do so, you ask? 

Well! Her mother and her father, I say."

If only, she could say all this out loud.

The Breaking of India!

Anha, a Muslim girl of standard three, got teased by her friends, she used to play with once, for being a Muslim, amidst CAA protests. 

In case, you think this is made up, let me tell you, the characters mentioned above, are not characters at all. Completely based on real life.

 

But she is just in class 3. In just a decade, she would forget this small incident. As then India would be burning and there would be blood and dead bodies everywhere.

I have a few friends(Oh! Hindu friends), who had been warning me that the present government wants to establish a Hindu Rashtra. I, being a Kattar Hindu, know that my religion has nothing to do with any politics of any sort. But people follow Lord Ram less and Modi-Shah more. And so, I ignored my friends warnings too.

People think that they live in Lord Ram's Bharat or Prithvi Raj Chauhan's Bharat and they won't let Babur stay here. What they don't remember is that they are actually living in the India of SavitriBai Phule-Dalit, Subhas Chandra Bose-Secular, Bhagat Singh-Atheist, Rani LaxmiBai-Hindu, Khan Abdul Gaffar Khan-Muslim.

I am sorry, dear friends, that I failed you. I'm sorry that I am not in politics or Civil Services and so, probably can't make any difference in the present scenario. I am just a civillian who hopes and prays for the best. Protest? You mean the protests where the sellers of nation call you "anti-national" and "pros***"?

Let me share a funny point. All who are now condemning protests as it turned violent, don't realize the impending violence and bloodshed if Our Great Nation Continues on this path. Check 1947 partition history, if you don't trust me.

And so, Dear India, I end this piece from my heart, saying I am sorry, my Motherland, for I am just a peaceful child of yours who failed to save the other children.

Why I shall never be successful.

Perks of being a middle-class brown girl, that too sensitive.

I shall never be successful. I can never become an entrepreneur, an actor, an architect, a brand ambassador or even an engineer or a doctor. I am a middle class Indian girl with highly educated, but conservative parents. Oh! And not to forget, hypocrites as well.

All I can ever be is a bank officer because that is "safe for girls".

To be successful, there are a few requirements. Firstly, you need to expand your horizon. But good sanskari girls must not stay away from home except for studies and must study only some general graduation course in a local college.

Secondly, to be successful, one needs to invest time in themselves. Four hours college, fours part-time job, two hours into daily chores, seven hours sleep, two hours homework, two hours family taunts("Doesn't help at a single task."), one hour of crying, one hour of putting yourself back together, two hours of "Beta! Just do this one thing for me.". Oh! That's twenty-five hours, but you get the point.

Third way to get successful or rich is to do investments.  The Rs.1500 of my part-time job pays for my college stationery, my internet pack and small perks to abate my depression waves.

So, here comes point number four.
MENTAL STATE
"There is nothing like depression. You are doing it purposely to get attention. You are doing it to trouble us." Like yes! I tried to suicide just to get your attention. But I don't blame my parents for their lack of knowledge about depression; my classmates, too, think depression is a game.

Now comes the last blow to a middle-class girl's dreams. We are not allowed to become what we want.
Can't be a doctor; too expensive course. Can't be an engineer; you can never crack JEE(Thanks, dad!). Can't be a professor; who's gonna pay for your masters? And after all this, I don't even dare to ask if I can join the film industry. Haha! Get that?
In short, we can be nothing except a bank officer because that is "safe for girls".

But now, you must be thinking why I don't fight for what I want. If you are really thinking so, you need to grow up and know how the world works. Exceptions are not Examples. There are even times when you ask for a laptop, a second-hand will do and the reply you get is,"Do you really need one?". The "really" changes everything.

Dear parents, a man doesn't REALLY need anything. One can survive on the minimum food, minimum water one gets. One can survive in the woods or the mountains. But surviving is not living. You got to let us live for once.

Have you read my "DEPRESSION DIARY"?