Today, 20 September, 2024: Still having nighmares.
Having given up on my dreams of doing Masters from IIT for my parents, I wasted 2 years after my Bachelor's, trying for various government competitive exams.
Only after realizing I'm not made for this short tricks and current affairs world, I came back to do my M.Sc from my old college. I was already dealing with high functioning depression. So, the thing I wanted the least was to step out again into the real world.
The only way I could convince my mind to go back to college was repeating to myself, "These are all PG students; they are gonna be somewhat matured than your UG classmates. It wouldn't be that bad."
Well, today, I think I can say that I have never been more wrong.
I don't know when E started hating me so much. I had known her since a month before college started and I, never once, was, in any way, mean or rude to her.
Day 1: She ignores me like I'm pestering her.
We would sometimes talk but she stopped when I cleared her misunderstanding and said that I am not a Christian.
We reconnected when we go to ISM Dhanbad together, with Deepahikha.
I thought things are going good when se literally forces(pushes) me away from sitting beside her to go sit somewhere else.
First day of Semester 2, I am trying to adjust to being alone in class. She cones to me herself to sit beside her and I make the biggest mistake of my PG journey, I allow her.
From there, starts our friendship, which was famous even to the teachers. Though our friendship was always full of ups and downs, we sustained.
Ups and downs? She would, somedays, just get angry for no apparent reason and Deepshikha and I were left guessing what we did. We would, actually, pray to her to tell us something, why she is sad, but she mostly ignored, sometimes said that she is not sad or angry, sometimes monthly mood swings and only once that she had some problem at home.
But I would always be left unsatisfied with her answers. Because on such days, she would ignore Deepshikha like she doesn't even exist; pass me looks like I stole her husband; but normally and happily talk to every other person.
I still remember how she commented that I don't work at all and that I should do more household chores because my notes would be completed vefore hers. I tired myself out doing as much household chores I could because I genuinely thought that I am a spoiled brat until I realized her true intentions behind her words.
Though things were tiring always, our friendship somehow survived till semester 3's beginning; when she had to leave for about a week. So, she told me to properly make notes because she would copy from mine or make PDFs, once she returns. I said, "Okay!".
She returns and not once asked for my notes but kept taking from Jyoti and Vidhi. I noticed but remembered that she had often mocked my handwriting, so, maybe she wanted the notes from people whose writings were neater than mine.
One day, we three were sitting at a bench near our college ground, and E's sister had come to visit her. Suddenly, E starts talking that her notes are not complete yet and she will have to ask someone else for ger notes because "Perhaps, Shaborni doesn't want to give me her notes.".
I was shocked and asked when had I said so. I had agreed to help her. She started saying that, "No, when I asked you, you said no. You seemed reluctant.", etc. I reminded her that I clearly remembered where we were sitting and what the conversation was the day she had asked me to make my notes properly. That's when she asked us to let it be.
This is where started the worst phase of my PG journey, which lasted through the remaining of our semester 3 till the last day of our college. But those details would be too long for one blog.
See you in my next article. Till then, take care and have fun!
Dear E, I know that you will realize how much you have hurt me. How much I gave to our friendship and how much you have given me trauma. But I do hope for the best for you because above all, I know there is a God.
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