Dilemma

Above is just a pic I took and happen to like.

The dilemma is that I want to become a singer, basically, a pop-star kind of singer, but I am too old to begin and not willing to go through all the struggle in becoming one.

     I love singing. It takes me to another world. I love the pain, the sorrow, the happiness, the smirks, the grief, the anger, in the lyrics and music of the songs. I love practising. I love when I am able to hit the tone right. I love listening to my voice, when I am practising.

     But even the local competitions ask for a lot of money to even register. Like recently, I was trying to participate in one and it asked for Rs.8,500. Dude! If I could afford that much I would have hired a vocal caoch and straight away applied for Indian Idol. Moreover, all my life, my family, my parents, my sister, my friends, everyone has only said that I am a horrible singer, that I don't sing, I recite a poem. That my voice is not high enough, that I am unable to do the ups and downs of the songs. 

     Recently, I sang "Phero Na Najariya" from the movie, "Qala", playing it on my harmonium and uploaded it on YouTube. My mother heard and said it's okay. I was hoping she would support me and share the video on her facebook or whatsapp. But after waiting dor 2-3 days, when she didn't share, I asked her myself if she could do so. She bluntly refused with a smile. And the look in her eyes, well, you won't believe even if I told you.

     Well, that's it. That's my life, my journey. People say, even my own sister, that I get things easily. I have no idea which things she is speaking of. I would not ask her to walk a mile in my shoes; I can't wish that bad for anyone.

     You know that pain when you too have problems in your life but people say just because you are better off than that one person, so, you have no right to feel sad? You don't? Well, then, you are one hell of a lucky person.

23 May '23

Heya! How are you, dear reader? I hope you are doing fine and if not, know I'm here. 

And don't think I am just being nice for my blog. I genuinely care for every aching heart and soul out there.

So, what is the reason behind today's post? 

What happened is that I have a friend, let's call her T. She has some issues at home, real issues, I know because I have visited her house often, and earlier she used to ask me if I could arrange some money for some her needs, not the extravagant needs, but some bigger ones like her sister's college fees or her mother's medical bills when she was diagnosed with cancer. 

     I had tried to help her using the online fundraising sites, asked my contacts and sometimes, from ny own pocket, as I used to provide tuitions to kids at my house. 

     T would always return the money after a few days. So, there were no issues. And I know T is trustworthy. 

     But due to my personal problems, I gave up teaching and due to some other reasons, my parents had incurred a loan of Rs.2 lakhs on themselves. Also, I rejoined college, for my masters, so, there is another expense now 

     So, what happened today is that T again asked me to lend her some money which she would again return in a few days. But due to the above reasons, I told her that I don't have any money to lend. And that I am sorry for this.

     She replied with an "Ok" and deleted the message where she was asking for the money. 

     Now, I am confused. Maybe, if I had been in her place, I would have done the same thing. But I feel like I have offended her I feel like she is angry and I don't want to ask her if she really is. I feel like she is thinking that I am being selfish or that I am ignoring her because she is in a bad situation today.

     I want her to know that if I had money, I would give everything to her. But I don't. My savings are over and I can't ask my parents to lend some when they are already struggling with their own financial crisis. 

     All such things remind me of what a great failure I am. I am a total loser. I tried to do something and ended up, well, ended up basically ending my life. I hate it, totally hate to face myself everyday. I feel like I am a rotten being and if only, I could get rid of myself.

                           The     End