TROUBLE IN PARADISE

    I don't know what I'm feeling. My friend, I'll use the nickname I have for her, Mi-Chan, is angry with me; and I know that I deserve it.

    So, she has been going through a lot of toxic friendships at the library she used to go for studying. Narcissistic friend, red-flag pursuers, perverts and what not?

    And all this after she has had a horrible childhood; absent father and narcissistic mother who just wanted a son.

    But recently, the matter of her narcissistic friend and the pervert escalated. I could see she was really suffering and I gave her the best advices I could, talked to her over the phone for hours and tried to be there for her as much as I could.

       But then. the last blow on the nail came in the guise of a serious argument between her parents. She couldn't tell me what it was about but from her chats, I could tell it was of proportions she had never seen before. I tried to be there as much as I could for her and she became better after a few days but then about a week or so later, we again talked about our sufferings.

    She continued blaming God for her problems and I tried to show her how God is actually trying to help her through therapists, her friendships, internet service, her scooty, etc. I tried to give her the example of the drowning man who wanted God to help him but denied His help when it came in the form of swimmers, boats and ships.

    I could tell she disliked it given that she only replied with a reaction to my message. I was hurt because we have talked on such topics innumerable times but she still isn't ready to see who is actually responsible for her troubles, just like my sister.

    A few days later, she sent me 2 recordings, one for insulting a mere show-off of charity work by the pervert and second, honestly, I don't remember and I can't listen to it again because she deleted them when I didn't reply for a few hours. I had heard them but couldn't bring myself to reply to her because I was totally hurt by her constant refusal to heal, even when she has the means to do so, and continuing to enjoy the toxicity and negativity of the people around her whom she can easily cut off.

    Then, she was changed.

    She didn't come online for a full day, was giving minimal replies to my chats (just yes or no or reactions) and when I asked what had happened that day, among other messages, she didn't reply to this particular message.

    I know I'm at fault here. My friend has the worst of family and I abandoned her, even though for a few hours, but I did. But I tried talking to her again but she isn't letting me in. And now, I don't even want to try anymore. Not that now I'm angry at her or my ego is hurt, just that I love her and I don't want our friendship to end but also, that I feel like someone is rubbing hot sand on my fresh open wounds, everytime, I try to be there for her, especially, since her issues with the narcisstisic friend started, about whom I warned her many times but she spoke to that friend, till the last day; even after insulting her and complaining about her to me for hours without end on the phone.

    I just feel emotionally numb. I love Mi-Chan but I just can't put in anymore effort.

My Traumatic PG: E 1

     12 July, 2024: I last saw them.

     Today, 20 September, 2024: Still having nighmares.

     Having given up on my dreams of doing Masters from IIT for my parents, I wasted 2 years after my Bachelor's, trying for various government competitive exams.

     Only after realizing I'm not made for this short tricks and current affairs world, I came back to do my M.Sc from my old college. I was already dealing with high functioning depression. So, the thing I wanted the least was to step out again into the real world.

     The only way I could convince my mind to go back to college was repeating to myself, "These are all PG students; they are gonna be somewhat matured than your UG classmates. It wouldn't be that bad."

     Well, today, I think I can say that I have never been more wrong.

     I don't know when E started hating me so much. I had known her since a month before college started and I, never once, was, in any way, mean or rude to her.

Day 1: She ignores me like I'm pestering her.

     We would sometimes talk but she stopped when I cleared her misunderstanding and said that I am not a Christian.

     We reconnected when we go to ISM Dhanbad together, with Deepahikha.

I thought things are going good when se literally forces(pushes) me away from sitting beside her to go sit somewhere else.

First day of Semester 2, I am trying to  adjust to being alone in class. She cones to me herself to sit beside her and I make the biggest mistake of my PG journey, I allow her.

From there, starts our friendship, which was famous even to the teachers. Though our friendship was always full of ups and downs, we sustained.

Ups and downs? She would, somedays, just get angry for no apparent reason and Deepshikha and I were left guessing what we did. We would, actually, pray to her to tell us something, why she is sad, but she mostly ignored, sometimes said that she is not sad or angry, sometimes monthly mood swings and only once that she had some problem at home.

     But I would always be left unsatisfied with her answers. Because on such days, she would ignore Deepshikha like she doesn't even exist; pass me looks like I stole her husband; but normally and happily talk to every other person.

     I still remember how she commented that I don't work at all and that I should do more household chores because my notes would be completed vefore hers. I tired myself out doing as much household chores I could because I genuinely thought that I am a spoiled brat until I realized her true intentions behind her words.

Though things were tiring always, our friendship somehow survived till semester 3's beginning; when she had to leave for about a week. So, she told me to properly make notes because she would copy from mine or make PDFs, once she returns. I said, "Okay!".

     She returns and not once asked for my notes but kept taking from Jyoti and Vidhi. I noticed but remembered that she had often mocked my handwriting, so, maybe she wanted the notes from people whose writings were neater than mine.

     One day, we three were sitting at a bench near our college ground, and E's sister had come to visit her. Suddenly, E starts talking that her notes are not complete yet and she will have to ask someone else for ger notes because "Perhaps, Shaborni doesn't want to give me her notes.".

     I was shocked and asked when had I said so. I had agreed to help her. She started saying that, "No, when I asked you, you said no. You seemed reluctant.", etc. I reminded her that I clearly remembered where we were sitting and what the conversation was the day she had asked me to make my notes properly. That's when she asked us to let it be.

     This is where started the worst phase of my PG journey, which lasted through the remaining of our semester 3 till the last day of our college. But those details would be too long for one blog.

     See you in my next article. Till then, take care and have fun!

     Dear E, I know that you will realize how much you have hurt me. How much I gave to our friendship and how much you have given me trauma. But I do hope for the best for you because above all, I know there is a God.

Happy Teachers' Day 2k24!

Happy Teachers' Day!

But sorry, because this blog won't be a happy one.

So, until 2 years back, I used to provide tuition at home. I have been tutoring fpr about 5 years and there was this one student, whom I had taught for about 4 years.

Later her younger brother had joined too.

So, when 2 years back, because of CMI, when I stopped teaching, I still thought that at least these 2 students would always be a part of my life. Of course, our contact broke over the 2 years; no, not because of any fight or argument, but we just drifted apart.

Then, we reconnected during my sister's wedding in April, this year and they told me they wanted me to teach them again. I asked them to wait for a few months till my exams got over.

And I haven't started teaching again yet, but I at least thought they would send a Teachers' Day wish today.

I got none.

I thought maybe because now she's in standard 8, she finds such trivial things cliché.

Then I saw her story, where she was celebrating Teachers' Day with her new tuition teacher.

I understand, she's the teacher now. So, I have nothing against her celebration. I just missed her message.

It made me wonder if I am that easily replacable.

Even if I am, I thought we had formed a bond beyond just a formal teacher-student relationship.

It made me question the loyalty of everyone around me.

If someone, I have poured my heart out to, could so easily forget me, how will anyone ever choose me?

Will I forever be without love? Without loyalty? Without being someone's first choice? Someone's priority?

Will my at peace come before my in peace?🕊️

Golden Child Complex

Just came back, rummaging through my parents medicine boxes for sleeping pills.

A few days ago, during an argument with my mother, where she, as usual, had her voice unusually sweet because father was present, she asked me if she had ever taunted me for spending their money after my studies.

I said, "Yes!".

"When?".

I didn't remember. But I was so sure she had. But if I didn't remember, it must have not had happened, right? So, I hated my own mother so much that I had made up fake scenarios in my head?

Today, early in the morning, when I was still sleeping, I woke up to the sound of my parents talking. And just as they crossed through my room(I have a personal, not a private room), she said loudly, "If only she(She used my name) started providing tuition again, it would cover the extra expenses.".

I had told her earlier, that I don't want to tutor students because then I am left with very little time to focus on my other goals.

This started a chain reaction of my memories.

I remember how one day after I had given up on Bank Examination preparations, she had said to my father, "She wasted the money, na?".

Once she had said to him, "Let's wait for her to become something. Let's see if she becomes something at all.".

I remembered how father had told me, after I switched my tuitions in standard 12, that now he has to spend more money on my tuitions because of me. (It was less.)

I still remember how my sister said when we were in school("in", not "at"), that we are poor because I don't use her old course books. Tanu di is rich because she uses her elder sister's old books.

The Year That Broke Me

 28th July, 2023:

           28th July, 2022, I flew down to Chennai to join my college, CMI Siruseri, for my Masters course in Data Science. And one month later, I was back home.

            That one month stay in Chennai resolved a lot of things: all my smaller episodes of anxiety, insecurity, low confidence, hopelessness, my acute sense of poverty, my incapability of making friends, my dumbness, my low functioning brain that things I can do wonders but couldn't even survive a semester in CMI's environment, everything surfaced at the same time in that month.

            Everything that I low-key knew was lacking in me, came forth as a big black hole during my stay at CMI.

            Technically, it wasn't "in" CMI because Data Science students aren't accommodated in their internal hostel. I was at a hostel outside the industrial area housing the college, CMI. That was the first wound I sustained. Don't get me wrong, my roommate was an angel, but she wasn't from my college. In fact, no one in my hostel was. I, who had never stayed away from home, was now staying away from home, away from college, away from college mates, away from hope, away from life.

            But I don't think that it was just staying away from home that made me weak; it was thinking that I don't deserve to stay away from home, that I don't deserve to study in the best Mathematics College in the country, that I am wasting so much of my already poor parents' money through this college that demands Rs. 2 Lakhs per semester plus my fooding and accommodation expenses that mad me feel like a dam fell on me.

            Now, where did I get these thoughts from???

            Was it just an over-thinker's thoughts? Or was it a child suffering from Complex-PTSD? That needs another blog series, not about just a year of my life but my entire life.

            Obviously, the money was the most important factor for why I quit CMI within a month. If I were allowed to fail, I would have tried. But Rs. 2 Lakhs per semester, on didn't give me the privilege to try. Second was my Complex-PTSD suffering mind. But CMI too wasn't easy on me. If abstract reasons could be arranged in ascending order, here the are:

• The teachers there don't teach. True, they just don't. CMI simply provides a platform for genii to come together, study on their own, have some discussions and be by themselves. For a classroom person like me, who is a high functioning introvert, with no background help, with PTSD and money issue dancing on the head, it was the first shock.
• The students their, were just rude for no apparent reason, nothing like I have ever faced here in my hometown. You two, I don't even know your names, from Physics Major, but thank you for being mean to me out of nowhere.
• The seniors were helpful, true, but on their own terms. Dear Abhishek Bhaiya, I really wished you had not asked me to wait for the 'right time' when I asked you for the previous year question papers. I wanted to develop a study plan as per those.
• Friends form an important part of life and definitely for surviving away from home. I tried being friends with Nidhi but she was too self-sufficient for my lacking in everything soul and it didn't work. Then came Vaishali and Anwesha. They once left Mohit alone because they said they didn't want to be around him. And we four, were together that day. Leaving Mohit was in itself a red flag on you two's part for me, and that day and most days, you two left me alone too.
• The teachers said that we would learn more from each other than from our classes. And I found a discussion friend in Narendran. He needed help in Math, I needed in Computer. He agreed. The next day, he refused, saying, "It's too soon.". So soon that the assignments had already started pouring in. And then he stopped talking to me, not even as a friend. And then I saw him talking, discussing study related things with other girls. Dear Narendran, I wish you had told me the truth that I wasn't pretty enough to start studying sooner.
• Ascending, isn't it, huh? I saved the best for the last. RITIRUPA DI!

            First, you yourself kept calling me and pretending to be the sweetest person on Earth when you needed me to move in your apartment. And all I said, was I need time to think as I have never been to Chennai and you were a stranger. Obviously, you didn't know that I couldn't afford staying at an apartment. But you were in PG, you should have realized people can have a lot of issues going on in their lives. We can't just wake up one day and decide upon a thing. 

            Then when I came to Chennai, you up front, not only ignored me in public, but also treated me like a beggar on road. And then when I was facing problems at my hostel and your roommate told me that she was leaving, so to move in, in her place, you straight away resorted to scolding me like I was trying to break into your house??? You said that your class fellow will move in in your roommate's place, then why had you called me in the first place? 

            And I don't even wanna start on how mean your words were that day! Do you know, you drew the last blow on the coffin of my better future? Do you realize that you ended my life? That you destroyed me? And all this because I just said that I needed time to think? That too in the most polite and humble and soft way possible? We even talked that if you get new roommates, you shouldn't wait for me because I don't want to cause you any trouble! How could you not trust my intentions after all this? Because I too was stranger to you? But you had no problem asking this stranger to move in with you!

            The only conclusion that remains is that you are just a selfish person who uses and then throws people.

            Aditya, this is the girl you said is "Okay"?

            Adarsh, when I was leaving, you asked if someone has done anything. Now, you know the answer.

            Now, I know the number 1 reason I failed was that I wasn't emotionally and mentally strong. But it has been a year and I think I have only turned worse.

            But I can't conclude CMI without the good things that happened.

Sadhvika: My only roommate ever. You are the best roommate anyone can ever ask for. And thanks for                   helping me on the escalator.

Aditya: I still don't understand how you can help a stranger for placement interviews. You are the first                 senior I knew from CMI and know that I'll always have respect for you in my heart.  

Ujan: We could have been good friends if I were stronger. You are a good person, Ujan. And I know               your father is proud of you.

Sulagna: Another angel on Earth. I wish I had met you sooner in life.

Saptarshi: Though our views don't match on a number of topics, I was lucky to have you as a friend.

Nidhi: Thanks for talking with me when you saw me crying. Thanks for guiding me to study when you             saw me distressed. I was my fault that I was preoccupied with what I lack than with what life is             giving me.

Jassim: Thank you for being my study partner even if it was for just a day.

Abhishek: You are helpful, no doubt and you have this positive vibe about yourself. But saying that we                   are from two different worlds, would be an understatement.

Mohit: You are a good friend.

SLD: You came back alive.