THEY DIDN'T LET ME BE ANGRY

I was just scolded for being hurt by my mother's indifference to my health. I have been down with cold for almost two weeks now and she still worries about which next saree to buy. 

But while pondering over all these, something dawned upon me. Not regarding my cold, but about me being allowed to get angry.

All my life I have been called out for being angry, by my mother, sister, father and others. I know that I am scared to get angry and self-deprecate whenever I get angry on just anyone. They hurt me, I get pissed off and then start cursing myself for becoming angry. It is so because all my life whenever I got angry, either of the following happened.

1) I was told that there is nothing to get angry about.

2) I was told that I was over-reacting and probably, for attention.

3) I was called prideful and sometines, even egoistic.(Meet me in real life! Haha!)

4) I was told that I have no right to be angry because it was all my fault.

5) None, and I mean none, ever stood for me that my feelings are real and justified.

So, there you go, with all my bruises, all my scars. I think I am doing a good job seeing all that I had to go through and still am going through.(I still live with my family.) But now, I realize I am a human and WILL make mistakes but I can't possibly be wrong ALL THE TIME!

THE BREAKING OF INDIA - PART 2

So today, I had a partial emotional breakdown going on over the Bengali, non-Bengali row in Sushant Singh Rajput's murder case, in front of an old friend and firstly, she ignored and then replied with a "hmmm".

I was speechless for a while. 

No, I know, she didn't insult me or something but her reply shows her privilege. She was silent over the anti-Muslim and anti-Christian incidents surging in India. At one point, we thought that the situation would never get so bad but it did. Why me, dear friend? Why me? I am a Hindu. And I, too, want Sushant to get justice. Then why?

If you think this "hmmm" won't turn to "Bengalis are not equal to us.", you are seriously wrong.

Mark my words, a genocide is pending. Learn to read history patterns...

Dear friend, now all those comments of yours over why reservation should end as it spreads communalism, seems fake, seems hypocritical. 

YOU  DON'T END RESERVATION TO END COMMUNALISM; YOU END COMMUNALISM TO END RESERVATION...

Take it from me, a general class girl...

Depression Diary! - Part 2

Nothing is the same after you enter life's "depression" phase from "being the carefree kid with big ambitions" phase. Yeah, you eat normally, breathe normally, have cravings and mood swings and every other normal human thing. But then again, nothing is the same again.

Depression makes you observant. You better notice people's hypocrisy, especially of the ones closer to you. You see how "Go vegan" is just a non-veg hater's inferiority complex and not any care for animals' lives. You see how your friends just pretend to be secular and liberal and only blame others for their extremist beliefs. You realize that the ones who claim that you are their best friend are actually the ones that want to see you fall. 

 

Other than these painful things, depression has a beauty to it too. It makes you a romantic. It makes you a lover of poems and shayari and music and other art. And suddenly, after some couples of years in you depression bed, you realize its cushions are better than the cushions of normalcy. And you want to stay here more, just like the songlines "Mainu pinjre de vich qaid kara, mai na udhna chahva. Je mai bahar nikla te mainu maar dengi hava va." by Gurnazar.

And after Dwelling in the darkness of depression for a long time, when somehow the door to happiness opens, you are scared of stepping out that door. No, not because you are now used to deppression, but because the creatures, that sent you to the dungeon of depression, are still lurking out there, waiting to prey, on you. 

Ending with an observation of mine. Some people are so damn lucky 'cause when I publish my blogs and show them, they won't believe it's true, that it's made up. Well! I hope it never becomes true for you. It shall be my gift to you. 

The Social Media Experts....

I had no thought about making a blog. But I had to speak. Stop trending Depression... Stop making a hashtag out of it. 

First of all, someone is dead. Let him rest in peace. Stop judging whether what he did was right or not. You guys have never been depressed, so stop treating it like it's cowardice. It takes courage to end one's life, even when life seems hopeless because alive itself means hope.

Trend that an actor is dead like you did for Irrfan Kahan, Rishi Kapoor. But don't trend depression. It depresses us, the depressed, even more. Some of you are making memes on Depression. Like it's a joke. Others are busy being compassionate while the truth is when you get used to SSR's death, you'll come back to "aaa depression is just an act. Oh it's nothing!".

You all got used to CAA NRC riots, to muslims killing hindus, hindus killing christians, and this long and everlasting chain of communal killings. You all got used to covid-19, to more peole dying out of hunger, not corona. You all got used to amphan. So, it's inevitable that you'all will get used to "#depressionisreal".

So, don't, just don't make a shit of it now. Don't tell me that depression is serious, don't tell me that SSR did not do the right thing. Don't tell me that you care. I am 22 years old. Your 1 week's trending depression topic won't change this truth that YOU DON'T CARE!

You know what causes depression? Your attitude that our pains are self inflicted and not real, that too from people we love so much. The funny part about depression is that if you win, people will love you and always remember you. But it you lose, they will forget all the fights you fought alone and internally, trend you for a month and then forget you entirely.

Once again, the winner takes it all and the loser loses everything. The very fact that cause depression in the first place.

So, I request you all. Don't try and turn someone's death into your publicity stunt. Life is difficult enough already for the mentally tired, i.e., us. Don't make it hellfire for us.

Humko Ghar Jana Hai(I want to go home)

"Humko ghar jana hai."

The assemblage broke into laughter.

"Humko ghar jana hai.", said the final year graduation student when she was asked to sing, which, by the way, she did, and the audience started smirking and whispering.

Oh! It was a prank. And I thought finally, they have started liking me. "Humko ghar jana hai."

Her friends rebuked her, "Stop whining like a baby. You are a tiger."

"Par humko ghar jana hai."(But I want to go home.)

And she ran. Oh! If only a Prince Charming followed her too.

The news reached her mother, too.

Alas! Now she is screwed.

"Oh God! Our money has been wasted on this 'worthless' girl. What wrong had we done that we got her? Now, who will marry her? Why did you start crying suddenly, 'Humko ghar jana hai.'?"

"Oh no no no! Not a sudden story at all. I cry 'Humko ghar jana hai.' all the time. 

I am crying now. I cry so at college; I cry so at the mall with my friends.

Just none heard me before as it was all in.

I cry at dusk. I cry at dawn.

I cry at parties. I cry alone.

I just didn't show it then; thought I could keep it in.

But the world has its ways,

To make the calm lose their peace.

You pester my emotions, overlook my silent complaints.

I talk to you, Mom, with moist eyes.

But you neglect your liability's demands.

Nah! Don't you worry. I won't kill me.

I am a tiger as they tell me.

But listen oh! My always fair mother,

You daughter that breathes here, 

Had her soul butchered long ago.

Who dared do so, you ask? 

Well! Her mother and her father, I say."

If only, she could say all this out loud.