23 May '23

Heya! How are you, dear reader? I hope you are doing fine and if not, know I'm here. 

And don't think I am just being nice for my blog. I genuinely care for every aching heart and soul out there.

So, what is the reason behind today's post? 

What happened is that I have a friend, let's call her T. She has some issues at home, real issues, I know because I have visited her house often, and earlier she used to ask me if I could arrange some money for some her needs, not the extravagant needs, but some bigger ones like her sister's college fees or her mother's medical bills when she was diagnosed with cancer. 

     I had tried to help her using the online fundraising sites, asked my contacts and sometimes, from ny own pocket, as I used to provide tuitions to kids at my house. 

     T would always return the money after a few days. So, there were no issues. And I know T is trustworthy. 

     But due to my personal problems, I gave up teaching and due to some other reasons, my parents had incurred a loan of Rs.2 lakhs on themselves. Also, I rejoined college, for my masters, so, there is another expense now 

     So, what happened today is that T again asked me to lend her some money which she would again return in a few days. But due to the above reasons, I told her that I don't have any money to lend. And that I am sorry for this.

     She replied with an "Ok" and deleted the message where she was asking for the money. 

     Now, I am confused. Maybe, if I had been in her place, I would have done the same thing. But I feel like I have offended her I feel like she is angry and I don't want to ask her if she really is. I feel like she is thinking that I am being selfish or that I am ignoring her because she is in a bad situation today.

     I want her to know that if I had money, I would give everything to her. But I don't. My savings are over and I can't ask my parents to lend some when they are already struggling with their own financial crisis. 

     All such things remind me of what a great failure I am. I am a total loser. I tried to do something and ended up, well, ended up basically ending my life. I hate it, totally hate to face myself everyday. I feel like I am a rotten being and if only, I could get rid of myself.

                           The     End     

Life, As It Is

Life has never been easy for me. Nor has it ever been impossible. It just has always been a bit too difficult. And that's the problem. I don't get things easily. Most times, I don't get those at all and like quite recently, I get those but lose as quickly as I can.

My life has always been along the edge. And I keep slipping. Barely making it to the next benchmark. I live on the peak of the most rugged mountain. Left, right, front, back; everywhere, I lose something. Staying is unbearable and going back is torturous.

There are a few flowers on the way, ever ready to spread their magical smell. But when you come near, you realize they stink and the sweet odour was just a cover-up. The vines grow and throw you off the feet; you try to get up, they push you back; herbs that were supposed to heal you, poison your wounds.

And to add chillies to an already hot soup, since the last 3rd year, I have developed this great attribute of quitting. Not many know, but I am about do it for the 8th time in a row.

What lies ahead, or rather behind now, are chartered waters; but the waters that pull you down. Every. Single. Time.

So, it goes like this. I am living on quick sand, I have to walk on burning coal and all this, only to fall into the inevitable black hole.

NuMb

This blog was written before and after my blogs, HINDI and BETRAYAL respectively. But due to some personal reasons, I am publishing it late.

     It's been a while since I wrote my last blog and though I wanted to be regular with blogging, I just couldn't. Life, if you are an emotion-driven empath, makes you numb. And to top it with all the more sufferings, my DNA is that of an introvert, socially awkward, blunt empath.

     I was solving my math problems when suddenly, my pen pushed me to pen down this blog.(And people wonder why I love Math) Well, coming back to the point of this blog, I realized that my life has been full of so many "If only I had known better!"s. I could have saved myself from so many heartaches, betrayals, futile trying to make people better understand or see the truth.

     I would have let myself move on when I was hoping they would see and change. I wish I had known that the scars they showed me on their bodies, were mere tattoos to misguide others. I would not have, not at all, spent the slightest energy on the person, for whom I was ready to die once, if I had already known, she looks down upon "Bengalis". I would not have considered my parents "God" and seen them as just humans like you and me.(Edit: They are the best parents I could have have got.)

     I would not have thought that all my dreams would come true just because I prayed for them. You have to work hard and be patient, dear! I would noy have been that dreamer and wanderlust person, if only I had known "Reality will never let you escape.". 

     Today, I know better and still don't know so much. I don't even know what and how much I don't know. I don't know what I need to know. But I have realized one thing, and I hope I've realized right, and that is that life sorts it out. What's meant to be, will be. Neither give up nor be impatient. If you are still breathing, you must be still trying.

     Signing off, my dear Sunflowers! Take care!

CRIME AND SIN

                       CRIME  AND  SIN

     Crime and sin are two big words in any believer's life and most of my life, I have given equal importance to both. But they are equal only when you live in a country following the unaltered version of B. R. Ambedkar's constitution.

     In the eyes of law, marital rape may or may not be a crime. In the eyes of God, it is a sin; of highest degree. Not letting lovers unite and even killing them is considered honourable by humans. Gods? Rukmini eloped with Krishna ON HER WEDDING DAY.

     If you call out the wrongs of a powerful person, let alone a politician, you are an anti-national. But Parmatma will actually call you His 'brave and woken child'. In humans' eyes, killing a rapist Brahmin is "Brahmin Hatya"(Check Vinay Sharma). But Ram even killed the non-rapist Brahmin, Raavan.

     In the changing times of today, speaking in English is like a crime for an India. In God's eyes, one Brahmin, Eknath, was equal to a thousand Brahmins even though he loved all languages.

     In the forthcoming laws, being a Muslim will be a crime(Pratyaksh ko Pramaan Kaisa), but in our Radha Ma's eyes, Gulabsakhi was worthy of being in Her Family. Soon, these laws might make women secondary beings. But religion? Well, religion gives us Maa Kali. In today's laws, only the Central Eurasians, Aaryans, are Indians. In our Maker's eyes, "Vasudhev Kutumb Bakam".

     Soon, by law, these words of mine might be called a national threat, but for the Gods? "Ram Jaane!"

     

Crime or Not?

The problem with modern society is that they teach kids that killing is a crime. IT IS NOT. Killing for the wrong purpose is.

If you kill someone attacking you or someone else, it is a noble act. But kids are not taught so. So, they grow up being cowards.

All the great civilizations were built on being able to kill better than your rival. In other words, it is survival instinct. You can't call yourself a 'pacifist' if someone is constantly creating havoc. You can't just continue sitting peacefully. If you can, you have to get your hands dirty to maintain the peace.

You are not a supporter of non-violence, if you are being non-violent to someone being persistently violent.

Our idea of right and wrong has become very crooked in this era of "modernization". Our invaders are constantly attacking us in the name of 'justice' and we are hoping for God to come and save us.

The idea of 'non-violence' is good but not when our homes are under seize. At such times, we must fight. When people are defaming us with their lies, we must hit back with our truths. 

Well, as Karl Popper said, "We should therefore claim, in the name of tolerance, the right not to tolerate the intolerant."

SLD