Depression Diary 3

Depression Dairy Returns!

Haha! I know the heading suc*s. But depression has struck again, so I apologise.

Well! It has been quite some time since I wrote my pevious and second blog on depression and had promised you guys another blog on how I overcame my depression. But honestly, with tears in my eyes and a hysterical laughter, I say this; I had just fooled myself that I were out of depression.

I realized it is just a phase of depression where you are strong for a few days. But having no expert's guidance, I thought that I had defeated my Demon Depression.

You know what the funny thing about chronic depression is? It makes you realize that life is not a bed of thorns. Sometimes, you get a shower of roses too. Of course, then the thorns get jealous and strike back with greater might!

So, I'm still in these troubled waters and mistook a buoy for my Island Paradise. Trust me; more than asthma patients get asthma attacks, I get depression attacks aka emotional breakdowns. 

Well! I'll be back with another update soon. Till then, bye and take care, my fellow depresseds!

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BETRAYAL

Since a long time, during my chronic loneliness, I had remembered the pain of betrayal but not the actual stories. I knew I'm hurt and sad out of back-stabbing, betrayals and some more things but I couldn't remember what had actually happened.

This was because I had stopped making friends a long time ago because in primary school itself, I faced a lot of betrayals. So, that's how I became and went by my days; introvert, socially awkward and "friend" hater. 

But recently, having completed college, I faced this storm of loneliness. I felt like I am in outerspace without an oxygen mask. I suffered, a lot, in silence, without my family's knowing(as if they'd care), during the covid-19 lockdown and week before I decided that enough is enough.

I need friends. I can't continue waiting for Prince Charming(vaise bhi IITians ke bhav bahut hote hai). So, I messaged everyone, I've ever had the least communication with on facebook as well as whatsapp. Guess what? Oh! I'm overwhelmed to share. 

Only 50% of them replied back. Not surprised actually; I don't have notes to share anymore(nor am I sexy).

So, I chatted with the remaining 50% on facebook. They said that they were trying to contact me but my whatsapp was off. I shared my number with them, the same old number. And waited for their message, which hasn't come yet and I wonder if they'll ever come. So, I came down to 25% of my whatsapp friends. Oooh! The intimate ones. 

One among them had said before that I am very special to him and he could give his life for him. And after chatting for a week, I shared this family issue I'm facing and since he claims to have legal knowledge, I asked for help and advice and what I got in return is a "Hmmm"!(Oh! My favourite word.)

So, were the other friends. "SLD! I'm always there for you. Remember me whenever you need something.". And now, "Oh don't worry about it. People have gone crazy in lockdown."

Yeah! Lockdown has made my relatives want to put my father in lockup.... Simple as that. 

So, just one friend actually tried to help me. She contacted her really powerful college friend. Let's see if he can help. 

So, in conclusion, from 20-25 friends, I came down to 1 in just a week. This is why I am a loner. I wasn't born this way. Actually, I was supposed to be a social butterfly. But being unrich, untalented and unsexy, people often unfriended me and betrayed me(after use). I didn't remember this as I stopped actively trying to make new friends since standard 6, but my soul or heart or brain or whatever it is, remembered the hurt. Probably, that's why they say to trust your gut.

But honestly, loneliness kills!

The Life You Envy

            "Or pora, pora. Amar kaaj kaaj noye?"

English : "Her studies are studies; my work isn't work?"

        These words came out the mouth of my elder sister, my own elder sister, when she had to cook simple rice and pulses for a few days as our mother was sick. My sister, who boasts to have cooked chicken and biryani and what not while she was in hostel for 5 years while studying, said those words.

       Let me introduce us both. My sister is a 9:30 to 6 working individual, presently working from home(COVID days). And I know not what kind of an office she works in because I see her talking with her alleged Muslim boyfriend, lying in bed during work hours, and then her boss calls exactly when we need her (And you know what? I ain't even exaggerating.). Oh! Alleged bf because we doubt them but she denies anddddd because we happen to be a right wing Hindu family.

        And then here I am. A fresh graduate on market, who did her graduation in pure science, so she can't bag a job immediately. I had 2 options - study further or prepare for the competitive. Of course, I chose the latter because parents refused to pay for higher studies! Tadaaa...

       So, here we are. My sister, with her studies complete and a fixed 9:30 to 6 job (God! So boring. Can I simply write 9 to 5? You'll get the point, right?) and me, working a 5-hour part-time job, 3-hour coaching class, studying current affairs, wih no prior knowledge or interest in knowing what the capital of some remote African country is. And if you have prepared or are preparing for any government exam, you know how much time a day it takes.

       So, my sister (1) being the elder one,

(2) being the one who lived outside our house for 5 years, 'cause I didn't,

(3) being the one who can give more time to household chores,

(4) being the one who always boasts of her skills and qualities and

(5) being the one who, along with mother and father, always makes me feel worthless and a burden on Dear Earth, 

I assumed I would do 30% of work and she would do 70% of the work now that our mother is sick(actually, claims to be sick).

       But then those words came. And then I started doing 60% of work. And I hoped the words would stop. But they didn't. Now, coupled with mother's words, I have to work 80%, along with the afore mentioned conditions and still no respect! Wow! Hurray to the sins I committed in my last life that led me to this life.

       So, if any of my real life friend is reading this, here is the life of mine that you envy so rigorously. Bye!

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR PARENTS AND MY PARENTS!

Difference between your parents and my parents? 

Your parents realize you are not settled yet and therefore, must not take stand in front of the evil relatives. My parents care about no one in front of theit big ego. "Usne mujhe aisa sunaya kaise?". Here, "usne" is richer, more powerful and more intelligent than my parents.

Your parents realize career is important and marriage can wait and that it is better to die alone than to be with the wrong guy even for one second. My mother wanted me to get married 18, not to have a career unless husband REALLY wanted me to, and die a house wife with burnt hands. Oh! And she instigates father against me, when I "try to" say to getting married now, that I might not be a virgin... Oops!

You mothers tries to hide her tears so that you can focus on your studies. My mother drags me out of my room everytime the slightest issue occurs, that too because of her own mistake. 

Your parents realize the importance of privacy. My parents enter my room even when I tell them I'm changing. They force to keep a TV set in my room when we already have one in the drawing room and then forcefully, watch TV in my room when I study. Oh! And then they say, "Ae khali bado bado kotha bole je porbe. Kato porbe dekha jaye."

Haha! Funny na? And you hate me! You are jealous of me because I don't know why but somehow you think I am really lucky.

HINDI

         Bengalis are going extinct under the weight of Hindi(not Hindu, read properly) and no one is even caring. "You are a Bengali? Speak in Hindi."

"You completed your education in English? Speak in Hindi."

"Oh! You are an Adivasi? I am going to beat you to Hindi."

"Shhh! That's a Tamilian. Let us hide from him the fact, that Tamil is older than Sanskrit, so that he can be subdued by us."

         They say that Hindi is the identity of India. A culture, which has time and again, taught that language doesn't matter as long as your conscience is alive, is being called a Hindi-culture.

       Remember Sant Eknath of Maharashtra? Dude! Even his son, Hari Pandit, went against him for teaching the Puranas in Marathi. Even then, they judged against non-Sanskrit speakers. But what happened? Eknath turned out to be equal to a thousand brahmans.

        Today too, when most "Hindi-protectors" can't speak Sanskrit themselves, they are making Hindi (a so-called descendent of Sanskrit) their language of destruction. You may say that all these are political strategies for parties. Well, then why did I get called "Angrez" and "Anti-national" on using some English words during the casual conversation I was having?

        Hindi-speakers chide you for using "Chaddo" if you are not Punjabi. But they force Hindi upon people from other language backgrounds. They make fun of Bengali speakers. They are disgusted by the Dravidian languages. North-Eastern languages are Chinese to them. And if you don't speak in Hindi, you are not Indian. Yes, a 2-century old language is the language of a million years old civilization.

        Sorry to hurt you, dear and not dear Hindi-lovers, but you ain't doing any good job by speaking in Hindi. Bihar has already lost its linguistic identity because of Hindi being forced upon them. Bhojpuri and Maithili used to have their own scripts, but they are brushed aside as being just dialects of Hindi. They even say Rajasthani is a dialect of Hindi and that Hanuman Chalisa is in Hindi.(Apparently, even Awadhi, which is older than Hindi, is now a dialect of Hindi.) Save Bihar, Rajasthan and the rest of India from the attack of Hindi. Say no to Hindi and Save India.

Edit #1:

           Wanted to add some lines by Rabindranath Tagore on Hindi, “Whatever the national convenience of a language that can facilitate inter-cultural communication in our country, it remains a mere convenience and cannot replace the value of one’s native tongue as a vehicle of intimate self-expression.

            I have in my institution at Santiniketan provision for the teaching of Hindi as well as Urdu."

Edit #2:

Also, India is the fastest language-losing nation on earth. The UNESCO lists 197 Indian languages as endangered or vulnerable, more than any other country. According to the PLS, we have lost 50 languages in the past five decades. That means murdering of an entire Indian culture just because the people in power were from Hindi-background!

My Youtube Video on Hindi : https://bit.ly/3LNXiZT