The Year That Broke Me

 28th July, 2023:

           28th July, 2022, I flew down to Chennai to join my college, CMI Siruseri, for my Masters course in Data Science. And one month later, I was back home.

            That one month stay in Chennai resolved a lot of things: all my smaller episodes of anxiety, insecurity, low confidence, hopelessness, my acute sense of poverty, my incapability of making friends, my dumbness, my low functioning brain that things I can do wonders but couldn't even survive a semester in CMI's environment, everything surfaced at the same time in that month.

            Everything that I low-key knew was lacking in me, came forth as a big black hole during my stay at CMI.

            Technically, it wasn't "in" CMI because Data Science students aren't accommodated in their internal hostel. I was at a hostel outside the industrial area housing the college, CMI. That was the first wound I sustained. Don't get me wrong, my roommate was an angel, but she wasn't from my college. In fact, no one in my hostel was. I, who had never stayed away from home, was now staying away from home, away from college, away from college mates, away from hope, away from life.

            But I don't think that it was just staying away from home that made me weak; it was thinking that I don't deserve to stay away from home, that I don't deserve to study in the best Mathematics College in the country, that I am wasting so much of my already poor parents' money through this college that demands Rs. 2 Lakhs per semester plus my fooding and accommodation expenses that mad me feel like a dam fell on me.

            Now, where did I get these thoughts from???

            Was it just an over-thinker's thoughts? Or was it a child suffering from Complex-PTSD? That needs another blog series, not about just a year of my life but my entire life.

            Obviously, the money was the most important factor for why I quit CMI within a month. If I were allowed to fail, I would have tried. But Rs. 2 Lakhs per semester, on didn't give me the privilege to try. Second was my Complex-PTSD suffering mind. But CMI too wasn't easy on me. If abstract reasons could be arranged in ascending order, here the are:

• The teachers there don't teach. True, they just don't. CMI simply provides a platform for genii to come together, study on their own, have some discussions and be by themselves. For a classroom person like me, who is a high functioning introvert, with no background help, with PTSD and money issue dancing on the head, it was the first shock.
• The students their, were just rude for no apparent reason, nothing like I have ever faced here in my hometown. You two, I don't even know your names, from Physics Major, but thank you for being mean to me out of nowhere.
• The seniors were helpful, true, but on their own terms. Dear Abhishek Bhaiya, I really wished you had not asked me to wait for the 'right time' when I asked you for the previous year question papers. I wanted to develop a study plan as per those.
• Friends form an important part of life and definitely for surviving away from home. I tried being friends with Nidhi but she was too self-sufficient for my lacking in everything soul and it didn't work. Then came Vaishali and Anwesha. They once left Mohit alone because they said they didn't want to be around him. And we four, were together that day. Leaving Mohit was in itself a red flag on you two's part for me, and that day and most days, you two left me alone too.
• The teachers said that we would learn more from each other than from our classes. And I found a discussion friend in Narendran. He needed help in Math, I needed in Computer. He agreed. The next day, he refused, saying, "It's too soon.". So soon that the assignments had already started pouring in. And then he stopped talking to me, not even as a friend. And then I saw him talking, discussing study related things with other girls. Dear Narendran, I wish you had told me the truth that I wasn't pretty enough to start studying sooner.
• Ascending, isn't it, huh? I saved the best for the last. RITIRUPA DI!

            First, you yourself kept calling me and pretending to be the sweetest person on Earth when you needed me to move in your apartment. And all I said, was I need time to think as I have never been to Chennai and you were a stranger. Obviously, you didn't know that I couldn't afford staying at an apartment. But you were in PG, you should have realized people can have a lot of issues going on in their lives. We can't just wake up one day and decide upon a thing. 

            Then when I came to Chennai, you up front, not only ignored me in public, but also treated me like a beggar on road. And then when I was facing problems at my hostel and your roommate told me that she was leaving, so to move in, in her place, you straight away resorted to scolding me like I was trying to break into your house??? You said that your class fellow will move in in your roommate's place, then why had you called me in the first place? 

            And I don't even wanna start on how mean your words were that day! Do you know, you drew the last blow on the coffin of my better future? Do you realize that you ended my life? That you destroyed me? And all this because I just said that I needed time to think? That too in the most polite and humble and soft way possible? We even talked that if you get new roommates, you shouldn't wait for me because I don't want to cause you any trouble! How could you not trust my intentions after all this? Because I too was stranger to you? But you had no problem asking this stranger to move in with you!

            The only conclusion that remains is that you are just a selfish person who uses and then throws people.

            Aditya, this is the girl you said is "Okay"?

            Adarsh, when I was leaving, you asked if someone has done anything. Now, you know the answer.

            Now, I know the number 1 reason I failed was that I wasn't emotionally and mentally strong. But it has been a year and I think I have only turned worse.

            But I can't conclude CMI without the good things that happened.

Sadhvika: My only roommate ever. You are the best roommate anyone can ever ask for. And thanks for                   helping me on the escalator.

Aditya: I still don't understand how you can help a stranger for placement interviews. You are the first                 senior I knew from CMI and know that I'll always have respect for you in my heart.  

Ujan: We could have been good friends if I were stronger. You are a good person, Ujan. And I know               your father is proud of you.

Sulagna: Another angel on Earth. I wish I had met you sooner in life.

Saptarshi: Though our views don't match on a number of topics, I was lucky to have you as a friend.

Nidhi: Thanks for talking with me when you saw me crying. Thanks for guiding me to study when you             saw me distressed. I was my fault that I was preoccupied with what I lack than with what life is             giving me.

Jassim: Thank you for being my study partner even if it was for just a day.

Abhishek: You are helpful, no doubt and you have this positive vibe about yourself. But saying that we                   are from two different worlds, would be an understatement.

Mohit: You are a good friend.

SLD: You came back alive.

Counting My Blessings : Part 4

My college opened after vacation today and I might not be able to post anything for some time now.

So, before going, I am adding another article to our series, "Counting My Blessings!".

Yes! Our, because these aren't just mine, but your blessings too.

Let's proceed(speaking like my standard 9, English teacher).

1. I am grateful that I have received a second chance at life and am continuing my education again.

2. I am grateful that my parents and sister are alive and healthy.

3. I am grateful for my English education that is helping me to write this blog.

4. I am grateful for the Blogger application and in general, for Google, because it gave me a platform to share my views and feelings.

5. I am grateful for Pallavi who has been a shining spiritual light in my life, especially lately.

6. I am grateful for Priya who has promised to teach me how to ride a cycle and a scooty.

7. I am grateful for Ankita, MSc-Mathematics student from RU, who sent me some previous year question papers today.

8. I am grateful that God always forgives my mistakes and keeps giving me second chances, even though I keep messing up.

9. I am grateful for Deepa Di who has helped me a lot in my M.Sc Journey.

10. I am grateful that I have a working conscience that helps me to do the correct thing most of the time.

These blessings are a tad different from the previous ones and I hope, you guys are also counting your blessings.

I want to conclude with, "Have courage and be kind."

Counting My Blessings : Part 3

     After a few difficult days, where I made a few mistakes, I am back with the third part of Counting My Blessings.

1. I am grateful for my knowledge of right against wrong.

2. I am grateful that I am always trying to improve.

(Whoever put these traits in my nature, did me a great favour.)

3. I am grateful for my backbone that helps me sit straight.

4. I am grateful for my clothes that help me cover my body and the warmer clothes that I wear in winters.

5. I am grateful for my parents who protect me against all hardships of the world.

6. I am grateful that I have roof above my head.

7. I am grateful for my sister who has helped me a lot throughout my life. She has helped me in my studies, my projects and once saved me from my mother's anger. She even bought me a laptop, my wireless earphones and is now buying me a phone.

(Thank you, Sisi!) 

8. I am grateful for the stole(dupatta) my sister gifted me today.

9. I am grateful for my birthday that makes me the happiest person on this planet.

10. I am grateful for being able to write this blog.

     While writing this part, I had the feeling that most people would find these blessings silly. But that's the point, well, not to find me silly, but that there are so many smaller blessings in our lives, that make life easier for us but we totally ignore them. The sun, the moon and being alive are all our blessings. 

     They Sun is everyone's. Not like just the rich can afford it. That's what we, the not so privileged, have to remind ourselves, on a daily basis.

Counting My Blessings : Part 2

   And I'm back...

     God added more days to my life, means more time to count my endless blessings.

     Here I go.....

1. I am grateful for my brain that has helped me understand everything I needed to.

2. I am grateful for my education through the best schools of the city.

3. I am grateful for my teachers in my primary and secondary school. I can never repay them enough for what they have taught me. They have made me this beautiful person that I am today.

4. I am grateful for the water, a sip of which I am going to have now as a water break.

5. I am grateful that I can afford bottles to hold my drinking water in them.

6. I am thankful for my ears that can listen to all the lovely sounds in the world, for eg., the crowing of the cocks in my neighborhood, the song, "Janam Janam", being played by the house just next to room's window, etc.

7. I am grateful that my parents let me and are still allowing me to study.

8. I am grateful for a functioning nose that can smell all the yummy tastes from my yummy dishes.

9. I am happy for my cozy bed.

10. I feel relieved that there are curtains in my room, that I can draw anytime that I need a me time.

     Okay! That's it for today and I never thought I could actually come up with enough blessings to fill two blogs. Well! I hope there's more and I shall bring more blogs to you!

     Till then, take care and count your blessings!

     Love!

Part 1

13 Reasons Why

     So, I have watched 13 Reasons Why-Season 1, twice now.

     And I still think that most people don't need a "Bryce" problem to take the step that Hannah took.

     Most people don't have a Bryce in their lives and still they give up.

     The biggest reasons why Hannah killed herself are Jessica and Alex. They were her friends in the new place. They let petty jealousy and lust to come in between their friendship.

     Friends as such break our confidence and desire to live, especially when we are from a middle class background. 

     My friend, who is preparing for the UPSC CSE exam, saw a video and told me about it. The trainer in her video spoke how to actually clear difficult examinations, parents need to not burden their wards with their problems.

     Haa! Good one. 

     That is what my parents do on a daily basis, sometimes, more than once in a day. They even ask me to fight with the other parent to prove they are right.

     Just recently, maybe 2 or 3 days back, I woke up to my parents fighting and my father brought the fight to my room. First, he just sat on my bed, while my mother was standing just inside the door and they were shouting at each other. Soon, my father started involving me in a fight I knew nothing about and my mother followed the lead, both wanting me to speak against the other parent.

     Actually, when my father involved me in the fight, I was shocked because usually, it is my mother's favorite job.

     Then there is Mr. Potter of the show. He is practically everyone I ever opened up to. My friends have a habit of scolding me for not sharing about my life to them, but when I do, they don't believe me.

     The ones who do believe that I ain't lying, they think I am saying such things about my life because I misunderstood.

     And you know, Mr. Potter was the last blow on the nail. 

     But don't worry, I won't take the step, Hannah took.

Being Used

     Being used: has been a constant in my life.

     Whether it had been school or college, undergraduation or post-graduation, I have always been used by my fellow students and seniors, as well as by juniors too.

     I am in PG, currently. And there is this passed out, 2 to 3 years senior, who asked me for help for her improvement examination, which I did. I helped her with everything she needed, question papers and I even gave her my two notebooks of notes, which she had said she would return the day after her exam.

     But on the day of returning, she calls me and says that she needs my notes for some more work and she will return later. And now, it has been 2 months, and I still don't have my notes back. 

     Understand the scenario here. When she had come to take the notes, I even made sure to make her comfortable and meet where she wants to, even though it was a bit difficult for me to reach there.

     And now, to return my notes to me, she wants me to do her another favor and take her notes from our teacher, even though she will visit the college for her certificates, but I don't have to go to college as my classes are currently off.

     I don't understand such people. They always use people and then throw them away, and the go on and cry that other people misuse them. She herself has so often complained to me about her own classmates who were very "selfish", in her words. Then why is she acting selfish herself now?

     I just hope to finally meet people someday, who actually bring just love to the table, and no hidden ulterior motives. I want to one day go to a place where there is just love, support, respect and community spirit all around.